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What the heck? A loss to what-the-heck Vikings?
BY DAN LE BATARD
Knight Ridder Newspapers
MINNEAPOLIS - (KRT) - The Dolphins choked Saturday. Gagged. Spit up on themselves in way that suggested those road uniforms should come equipped with bibs. They dropped balls, forgot how to fall on fumbles and, while there are no official records kept on such things, they are also believed to have set a single-game franchise record for stupidity.
They played a dumb, sloppy, confused, timid game they deserved to lose - and did 20-17 when a mummified Gary Anderson emerged from his coffin to kick them right in the groin.
The Dolphins somehow lost to a sick, wounded, unmotivated, inferior team that had players vomiting in the locker room beforehand and actually had one leave in the second half with a rather unprecedented diagnosis of ``allergies.''
The Dolphins somehow lost to a team that had so little to play for that its head coach listened to his 15-year-old daughter on one touchdown play (she wanted to see a flea flicker) and the fans on another critical one (they wanted him to go for it instead of punt).
``What the heck?'' Mike Tice said afterward. ``Why not?''
It's never a good thing, when an alleged Super Bowl contender can be derailed by a genius gameplan consisting of what-the-heck-why-not?
If the Vikings had been playing for anything - if they were any good, in other words - they would have punted on the possession that doomed the Dolphins.
But now the most talented Dolphins team in a decade might have to go the hard way through the playoffs, if it makes the playoffs at all.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to lose the way Miami did Saturday? Punting only twice all game? Against a team that had either a fumble or interception on every one of its first-half possessions?
No wonder Vikings owner Red McCombs, apparently filled with holiday spirits, left the triumphant locker room singing ``Merry Christmas'' over and over.
Miami has not had a loss this abominable since the 62-7 one that sent Jimmy Johnson and Dan Marino careening into retirement.
Playing for a home-field advantage throughout the playoffs against one of the NFL's worst teams, this allegedly great Miami defense with five freshly-minted Pro Bowlers couldn't get a single stop, not one, in a second half that required only one for a victory.
They allowed the Vikings to go 78 yards on one drive, 80 on another and implausibly allowed Randy Moss to be even more touchdown proficient when throwing the ball than when catching it.
(By the way, you think Bill Belicheck, who is a heck of a lot smarter than what-the-heck-why-not Mike Tice, is going to find a way to exploit Jamar Fletcher and Arturo Freeman next week?)
In a second half only one of these teams needed, the Vikings ended every possession by scoring. They faced seven third-down situations to start the second half, including a third-and-13 and a third-and-14, and converted every last one of them, five Pro Bowlers undone by someone named Jim Kleinsasser.
When Miami finally did make its first third-down stop in the second half, with fewer than three minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, Minnesota promptly converted on fourth down despite having chaos on its sideline.
``We were really in deep,'' Tice said. ``I had some injured players. Coaches were scrambling for a play, and we sent in a three tight-end play even though we had only two tight ends healthy.''
When Miami got its only other third-down stop in the second half, an embalmed Jan Stenerud promptly won the game with his field goal.
``We really flopped today,'' linebacker Zach Thomas said. ``The Vikings have won five games for a reason. To lose to that team . . . It would be different if we lost to Oakland. Man, this is frustrating.''
Same old Dolphins, Zach?
``We haven't given anyone any reason to believe anything else,'' he said.
Minnesota didn't stop Miami's offense. Miami's defense did. At one point, Minnesota offensive lineman Bryant McKinnie walked into his huddle and said, ``Man, we've had the ball a long time.'' Minnesota punted on the game's second possession and never again.
The Dolphins defense, with more Pro Bowlers than any NFL team, couldn't get off the field. You shouldn't lose against a bad team if your QB is completing 15 of 21 passes, as Jay Fiedler did, and your running back is averaging 4.5 yards a carry, as Ricky Williams did, and your defense is great, as Pro Bowl voting alleged this week. But you aren't going to win with Williams if you can't get him in the game.
``We got all the big first downs,'' said Minnesota's Lorenzo Bromell.
``It's surprising,'' said Minnesota's Michael Bennett.
``Same old story with the Dolphins,'' said Minnesota's Kenny Mixon.
Were the Dolphins unlucky? Sure. But Super Bowl teams, which the Dolphins pretend to be, shouldn't need luck against teams as awful as Minnesota.
Minnesota tried very hard to give this game away, gift-wrapping it for the holidays with turnovers and late hits and a home crowd booing its quarterback, but Miami asked for the receipt and returned it.
So now all they have to do is go into the snow and win against the defending Super Bowl champions.
They aren't beating the Patriots playing as dumbly as they did Saturday. They used their timeouts dumbly, tried to run with fumbles dumbly instead of just falling on them and got dumb penalties, Randy McMichael turning third-and-inches with a 7-0 lead into a crowd-waking third-and-long.
Chris Chambers dropped a ball. Cris Carter, the most publicized fourth receiver in history, couldn't make the kind of touchdown catch with two hands he made last week with one. And Dedric Ward had an easy drop on third down, too.
(Memo to Dedric: The only reason you are on the team is to make that catch once a month.)
You can blame players and coaches for allowing Moss to catch a 60-yard pass on third-and-14 against a defense specifically designed to stop just that - the players for allowing Moss to get behind them, the coaches for allowing any situation where a game-breaker like Moss is being defended by Fletcher and Shawn Wooden. How does Miami, with two of the game's best corners, have the last line of defense between Moss and the end zone be a Wooden slowed by two knee surgeries?
The Dolphins can erase some of this awful heartburn next week.
But is their any reason to believe they will?
What the heck? A loss to what-the-heck Vikings?
BY DAN LE BATARD
Knight Ridder Newspapers
MINNEAPOLIS - (KRT) - The Dolphins choked Saturday. Gagged. Spit up on themselves in way that suggested those road uniforms should come equipped with bibs. They dropped balls, forgot how to fall on fumbles and, while there are no official records kept on such things, they are also believed to have set a single-game franchise record for stupidity.
They played a dumb, sloppy, confused, timid game they deserved to lose - and did 20-17 when a mummified Gary Anderson emerged from his coffin to kick them right in the groin.
The Dolphins somehow lost to a sick, wounded, unmotivated, inferior team that had players vomiting in the locker room beforehand and actually had one leave in the second half with a rather unprecedented diagnosis of ``allergies.''
The Dolphins somehow lost to a team that had so little to play for that its head coach listened to his 15-year-old daughter on one touchdown play (she wanted to see a flea flicker) and the fans on another critical one (they wanted him to go for it instead of punt).
``What the heck?'' Mike Tice said afterward. ``Why not?''
It's never a good thing, when an alleged Super Bowl contender can be derailed by a genius gameplan consisting of what-the-heck-why-not?
If the Vikings had been playing for anything - if they were any good, in other words - they would have punted on the possession that doomed the Dolphins.
But now the most talented Dolphins team in a decade might have to go the hard way through the playoffs, if it makes the playoffs at all.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to lose the way Miami did Saturday? Punting only twice all game? Against a team that had either a fumble or interception on every one of its first-half possessions?
No wonder Vikings owner Red McCombs, apparently filled with holiday spirits, left the triumphant locker room singing ``Merry Christmas'' over and over.
Miami has not had a loss this abominable since the 62-7 one that sent Jimmy Johnson and Dan Marino careening into retirement.
Playing for a home-field advantage throughout the playoffs against one of the NFL's worst teams, this allegedly great Miami defense with five freshly-minted Pro Bowlers couldn't get a single stop, not one, in a second half that required only one for a victory.
They allowed the Vikings to go 78 yards on one drive, 80 on another and implausibly allowed Randy Moss to be even more touchdown proficient when throwing the ball than when catching it.
(By the way, you think Bill Belicheck, who is a heck of a lot smarter than what-the-heck-why-not Mike Tice, is going to find a way to exploit Jamar Fletcher and Arturo Freeman next week?)
In a second half only one of these teams needed, the Vikings ended every possession by scoring. They faced seven third-down situations to start the second half, including a third-and-13 and a third-and-14, and converted every last one of them, five Pro Bowlers undone by someone named Jim Kleinsasser.
When Miami finally did make its first third-down stop in the second half, with fewer than three minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, Minnesota promptly converted on fourth down despite having chaos on its sideline.
``We were really in deep,'' Tice said. ``I had some injured players. Coaches were scrambling for a play, and we sent in a three tight-end play even though we had only two tight ends healthy.''
When Miami got its only other third-down stop in the second half, an embalmed Jan Stenerud promptly won the game with his field goal.
``We really flopped today,'' linebacker Zach Thomas said. ``The Vikings have won five games for a reason. To lose to that team . . . It would be different if we lost to Oakland. Man, this is frustrating.''
Same old Dolphins, Zach?
``We haven't given anyone any reason to believe anything else,'' he said.
Minnesota didn't stop Miami's offense. Miami's defense did. At one point, Minnesota offensive lineman Bryant McKinnie walked into his huddle and said, ``Man, we've had the ball a long time.'' Minnesota punted on the game's second possession and never again.
The Dolphins defense, with more Pro Bowlers than any NFL team, couldn't get off the field. You shouldn't lose against a bad team if your QB is completing 15 of 21 passes, as Jay Fiedler did, and your running back is averaging 4.5 yards a carry, as Ricky Williams did, and your defense is great, as Pro Bowl voting alleged this week. But you aren't going to win with Williams if you can't get him in the game.
``We got all the big first downs,'' said Minnesota's Lorenzo Bromell.
``It's surprising,'' said Minnesota's Michael Bennett.
``Same old story with the Dolphins,'' said Minnesota's Kenny Mixon.
Were the Dolphins unlucky? Sure. But Super Bowl teams, which the Dolphins pretend to be, shouldn't need luck against teams as awful as Minnesota.
Minnesota tried very hard to give this game away, gift-wrapping it for the holidays with turnovers and late hits and a home crowd booing its quarterback, but Miami asked for the receipt and returned it.
So now all they have to do is go into the snow and win against the defending Super Bowl champions.
They aren't beating the Patriots playing as dumbly as they did Saturday. They used their timeouts dumbly, tried to run with fumbles dumbly instead of just falling on them and got dumb penalties, Randy McMichael turning third-and-inches with a 7-0 lead into a crowd-waking third-and-long.
Chris Chambers dropped a ball. Cris Carter, the most publicized fourth receiver in history, couldn't make the kind of touchdown catch with two hands he made last week with one. And Dedric Ward had an easy drop on third down, too.
(Memo to Dedric: The only reason you are on the team is to make that catch once a month.)
You can blame players and coaches for allowing Moss to catch a 60-yard pass on third-and-14 against a defense specifically designed to stop just that - the players for allowing Moss to get behind them, the coaches for allowing any situation where a game-breaker like Moss is being defended by Fletcher and Shawn Wooden. How does Miami, with two of the game's best corners, have the last line of defense between Moss and the end zone be a Wooden slowed by two knee surgeries?
The Dolphins can erase some of this awful heartburn next week.
But is their any reason to believe they will?
