Deadspin: Miami Dolphins preview- Why your team sucks | FinHeaven - Miami Dolphins Forums

Deadspin: Miami Dolphins preview- Why your team sucks

Daytona Fin

Daytona Fin

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Your 2013 record: 8-8, but nobody remembers that. The only thing people remember is BULLYING. In the team encyclopedia, it should just list the record like so:

2011: 6-10

2012: 7-9

2013: BULLYING

By the way, the Dolphins found a way to lose both the alleged victim and the alleged perpetrator in that scandal, right in the middle of the season. They couldn't even pick a side correctly.

Your coach: Joe Philbin, whose solution to the Martin-Incognito affair was to, I **** you not, tuck the players in at 10:30 p.m. every night. Here's Peter King, who hasn't been this dazzled by an empty coaching gesture since Mike Munchak banned hats:

"This camp," Philbin said, "I'm doing every bed check. Every night. I knock on every door."

How many doors? Sixty.
NO WAY SIXTY DOORS MY GOD HOW CAN ONE MAN LIGHTLY TAP ON THAT MANY DOORS HE MUST BE SOME KIND OF GOD
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Your quarterback: Ryan Tannehill, who was sacked FIFTY-EIGHT times last season, tied for the 10th on the all-time single-season sack leaderboard. That's what happens when half of your line disappears in the middle of the season. It's possible that we'll never know how good Tannehill can be because he'll get the life sacked right out of him before he even has a chance to breathe. Or he'll gradually improve (as he did from his rookie year to last season) and then get a broomstick shoved up his ass by Mike Pouncey.

What's new that sucks: The good news: Jeff Ireland is gone. The bad news: He was replaced by Greg Schiano's janitor. The first big move the Dolphins made this offseason? Knowshon Moreno! Yes, the Dolphins signed Knowshon right after he had a fluky revival season (it probably helped that he had the best QB in football there to ensure six-man fronts all day long). As soon as Knowshon signed with Miami, he went right back to being his usual bust. He's had knee surgery ALREADY. No beating around the bush for him. He may not even beat out Lamar Miller for the starting job. As someone who owned Lamar Miller in fantasy last season, I would just like to formally note: **** LAMAR MILLER.

In other news, defensive end Dion Jordan was suspended for the first four games of the season, a year after the Dolphins traded up to draft him (too high at No. 3) and then used him as a third-down specialist. They have ****ed up Dion Jordan is four separate ways, and they're probably not finished yet. Safety Reshad Jones? Also suspended. Joe Philbin will curtail the PED usage by reading Frog & Toad to players every night at 9:30.
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What has always sucked: Miami, the city itself, is currently in the process of being swallowed up by the ocean. Were you aware of this? Most Miami citizens are either not aware, or they simply would like the problem to magically go away on its own. I look forward to the Dolphins playing in eight home Lake Bowls a year 10 years from now. They may have to field a team of literal Dolphins in order to continue playing in Miami. That would almost certainly draw more fans than the Dolphins as presently constituted.

Few teams have failed as miserably as Miami has at maintaining a legacy. Dan Marino retired in 2000, and since then this team has done nothing right. They drafted Pat White so they could commit to running the wildcat, then Pat White almost died on the field. They drafted Jake Long, Ted Ginn, and Ronnie Brown in the top 10, and none of them is still on the team. Their best quarterback in the past 10 years was Chad Pennington, who was a Jet, and threw his shoulder out of his socket on a 15-yard pass. Jay Fiedler started their last playoff win. Their stadium was named after Jimmy Buffet's beer for a year. Dave Wannstedt. You name it, the Dolphins have monkey****ed it. They're the NFL's Knicks: a team that still has fans and a certain sort of allure despite being huge losers since 1973. They're the Jets without the comedy.

And LeBron is gone. Don't try to shrug that off, Miami. You know it hurts. In the greatest game of FLORIDA or OHIO ever, he chose Ohio. Damn.

Also, **** the '72 Dolphins forever. With a champagne bottle.

What might not suck: Tannehill was vastly improved last season, and the team focused most of its draft and free agency moves on rebuilding the line and making sure he doesn't get murdered. I'm not saying any of that will WORK, but at least they kinda sorta tried.
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http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-s...source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow
 
I honestly believe Miami will have a better record than the last two years. Philbin has steadily improves the team's record since coming to Miami. I think at worst we'll be 9-7, at best 10-6. Playoffs, then Championship !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
This was a pretty hilarious read. Love the quote by random fan, Tony:
Our head coach looks like he's the general manager of the local bowling alley.
 
These are typically my favorite team previews...
 
finfanaz said:
The Jets one from yesterday was hilarious.
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:lol:

What has always sucked: Are you aware that the Jets spent this offseason negotiating with Fireman Ed to come back, and that they lost that negotiation? They actually sent people to him to plead with him to come back ("If we just get Fireman Ed back, we'll turn this whole thing around!"), and he said no. And Fireman Ed BLOWS. He is the ****ing worst. Only the Jets could validate Fireman Ed and be spurned by him in a single stroke.
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My favorite part of these articles is how angry people get about them saying meanie things, even in jest, about their favorite team. :lol:

Lighten up Francis.
 
Funny until he dissed the perfect team. He went there. **** him SIDEWAYS with a champagne bottle.
 
BTW Philbin needs to tuck these guys in. Then he needs to sit in the lobby and make sure nobody escapes. Happened regularly with a player we got rid of after Philbin's first season, but I bet some of these clowns still can't police themselves.
 
NO WAY SIXTY DOORS MY GOD HOW CAN ONE MAN LIGHTLY TAP ON THAT MANY DOORS HE MUST BE SOME KIND OF GOD
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LMAO

Before anyone gets upset remember that Deadspin does this for every team.
 
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