Dolphins Moving Up! ESPN, CBS SPortsline, Fox, Power Rankings | FinHeaven - Miami Dolphins Forums

Dolphins Moving Up! ESPN, CBS SPortsline, Fox, Power Rankings

thanks for the link

they seem about right with a few little question marks around the height of some teams

21,23,23,24 are not bad rankings but I would think we should be averaging around 21 instead of 23.
 
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. Chicago Bears (8-1): Chicago hasn’t seen a white man rebound like that since Will Perdue retired. Grossman overcame rexual dysfunction in time to finish the first half with a strong rex drive. The offensive line picked up their game in the second half, all but eliminating the rexual assault that plagued the team early on.

2. Indianapolis Colts (9-0): Is their record better than the Bears? Yes. Is the AFC the stronger of the two conferences? Almost certainly. So why are the Colts ranked second? Because I am a Bear fan and cannot control my bias long enough to write an objective opinion? Maybe. But more importantly I do not feel comfortable putting my faith in a team that cannot stop the run. The Colts have a historically good offense, but their defense has given up more long runs than Nicole Richie’s treadmill.

3. San Diego Chargers (7-2): What an incredible win against Cincinnati. The last time an epic shootout involved two such dreamy heroes, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were voyaging toward a dubious fate at the hands of Bolivian authorities. Fuego!

4. Denver Broncos (7-2): A satisfying, if not inspiring win over the lowly Raiders. The offense is starting to get Javon Walker more involved, which is good. The offense is also starting to get Jake Plummer more involved. Is that ever good? The sooner they get back to leaning on the run, the better.

5. New England Patriots (6-3): If you were flipping channels last night and passed by ESPN, then you’ve seen the Belichick-Mangini handshake at least nine times. I know that it’s interesting when a reputed coach slights a former protégé. And I appreciate that this particular dis was even humorous, especially because of Belichick’s ridiculous sleeves. But for the love of God, a man returned a missed field goal for a record-tying 108-yard touchdown the same day! A 59-year-old quarterback sprinted the length of the field to give his wide receiver a fireman’s escort to the sideline following a score! There were two games which featured a combined total of twenty-two touchdowns! Not to mention approximately 377 plays in which a human being did unspeakably violent things to another human being! And yet, ESPN would like you to consider the possibility that the most interesting occurrence of the football weekend was a hooded genius flippantly grasping the wrist of his former student.

6. Baltimore Ravens (7-2): The Ravens have only lost one game with Steve McNair at the helm. The past two weeks, McNair has put up numbers that make you wish you had picked him up on the fantasy waiver wire after Matt Hasselbeck went down. (How is Jon Kitna working out for you, by the way?) He has even showed glimpses of a possible Y2K McNair renaissance. Furthermore, the Ravens have a solid running game and a top tier defense. And yet, if you asked me to assess their chances in the playoffs, I would tell you that they will absolutely not win a single game. I cannot disclose the reasons for this bold prediction. I can only tell you that the shower reveals a great many secrets that remain unexplained.

7. Seattle Seahawks (6-3): You have to hand it to a team that is managing to rack up wins despite the loss of the reigning league MVP and their Pro-Bowl quarterback. Incidentally, does anyone else feel that Seneca should be the name of a refreshing malt beverage? “When you thirst for something invigorating, but hunger for undeniable intoxication, ask for Seneca.” Now available by the gallon.

8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4): The Pittsburgh Steelers of 2006. They’ll continue to hover around the middle of the pack, lulling the league to sleep and teetering on the verge of elimination. Then, they’ll calmly begin their run at the Super Bowl. If Stallworth and Westbrook can stay healthy, they will contend for the NFC Championship. Lucky for everyone who's not an Eagles fan, Stallworth and Westbrook cannot stay healthy.

9. Dallas Cowboys (5-4): If Bill Parcells’ game plan is half as bold as his front butt, he will run Jones and Barber a combined fifty times against the Colts this week.

10. New Orleans Saints (6-3): Love the quarterback, love the coach, love the rookies, love the whole Lazarus story following the mayhem of Katrina, love that they are leading a division full of teams that I hate. Yet, as hard as I try, I can't see them finishing better than 8-8.

11. New York Giants (6-3): So, Eli Manning now has a turnstile guarding his blind side. I hope Bob Whitfield is good at recovering fumbles. After Sunday’s game, everyone is wondering why Jeremy Shockey didn’t get more touches against the Bears. Is anyone asking why Brandon Jacobs didn’t get more touches? Didn’t a 40-year-old Jerome Bettis run right over this same Mike Brownless Bear defense last year? Didn’t Brandon Jacobs step right through the Bears’ goal line defense both times he touched the ball? Didn’t Tiki Barber’s productivity drop off significantly following the injury to his thumb? Didn’t Tom Coughlin recognize any of this?

12. New York Jets (5-4): If they can beat the Patriots and the Bears in consecutive weeks, they will be the best 6-4 team in the league and will not be denied a spot in the top ten. Right now, Sean Payton and Eric Mangini are tied for Coach of the Year honors. The hardware will go to whichever coach finishes with more wins. So says the omnipotent voice of the shower.

13. Carolina Panthers (5-4): Has a completely unstoppable player ever looked more stoppable than Steve Smith? He’s like that guy in a pickup basketball game who looks easy to guard, so you triumphantly call out that you’ll take him. Only, once the game starts, he keeps breaking you down every trip, and when he’s not scoring on you directly, he’s drawing help and dishing to his teammates. Ask Ron Rivera if he thinks that’s an adequate analogy.

14. Atlanta Falcons (5-4): Difficult to say whose stock has fallen more precipitously in the past two weeks: Mike Vick or Saddam Hussein?

15. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4): Say what you will about Dick Vermeil, at least his teams were fun to watch. And the Coors Light commercials with his fake press conferences are almost as hilarious as his tendency to cry during his real press conferences. Herm Edwards is the coaching equivalent of a Christian Children’s Fund commercial. You come face-to-face with an undeniable truth (In this case, the fact that a conservative defensive game plan and a steadfast commitment to the run will keep your team in every game), but damn if watching it doesn’t make you want to turn the channel.

16. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4): Is it possible that being the second-best team in the Indianapolis Colts’ division is just too much pressure? It’s almost as if the Jags are the crew of a submarine that has lost power and finds itself sinking to depths at which structural integrity can no longer be maintained. Byron Leftwich is the guy who gets killed by a blast of face-melting steam when the first valve unexpectedly explodes in the engine room. Jack Del Rio is the martyr who risks his life by sealing the breach in the hull, inevitably locking himself in a chamber that is rapidly filling with water. Now he’s clutching a pipe on the wall, holding his nose and mouth just above the rising water line, while everyone waits to find out if David Garrard can find the manual override for the bilge pump in time to save him. Or maybe the Jags just suck.

17. Cincinnati Bengals (4-5): Your honor, the prosecution submits exhibit G-18 in the case of Talent v. Team Chemistry: The 2006 Cincinnati Bengals.

18. St. Louis Rams (4-5): Wait a second, I thought the Rams were 4-1 like a month ago. They were 4-1 a month ago? Now they barely edge out the Packers in the Shower Rankings.

19. Green Bay Packers (4-5): The Packers are playing just poorly enough to keep themselves out of contention for the playoffs and just well enough to keep themselves out of contention for a top-twenty draft pick. Additionally, Brett Favre is playing just well enough to convince himself that he should come back next year to ensure that the Packers do it all over again in ’07. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is maturing like a bottle of Night Train.

20. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-6): Obviously, Bill Cowher sold his soul to win a Super Bowl. I wonder how many Steeler fans have elected to forego watching the remainder of the games on the 2006 schedule, preferring to scroll through their TiVo archives for the 2005 game of the same week.

21. San Fransico 49ers (4-5): Is there a better cure for losing than the NFC North?

22. Miami Dolphins (3-6): Will it be a staple of the Nick Saban era of Miami Dolphin football that the team limps out of the gates, loses just enough games to be eliminated from the playoffs, and then runs the table? Is there a better way to rekindle the hope of a shattered fan base year after year, while still managing to shatter the hopes of your fan base year after year? If the Miami Dolphins fire Nick Saban, will the Cubs hire him?

23. Minnesota Vikings (4-5): Is it possible to get Chester Taylor another 12 touches a game? No? Okay, then these guys are toast. Brad Johnson’s mechanics on the deep ball remind me of Uncle Rico. They can’t find a replacement for this guy soon enough.

24. Washington Redskins (3-6): The question on the lips of every Redskins fan is whether Joe Gibbs waited too long to replace Mark Brunell with Jason Campbell. The fact is, Gibbs could replace Brunell with Bruce Campbell and it wouldn’t help their playoff chances without a healthy Clinton Portis.

25. Buffalo Bills (3-6): If you were a psychology grad student trying to prove that it is possible to sleepwalk for twenty-nine consecutive years, how valuable would Dick Jauron be to your dissertation? (Originally, I had an I-Robot joke here that I liked better, but the chances that you are one of the 8 people who saw I-Robot weren’t good enough to justify its presence.)

26. Cleveland Browns (3-6): I have a marketing idea for the 2007 Cleveland Browns. They borrow the same format used by those new Direct TV commercials, in which actors step out of famous movie scenes and begin to address the camera. In my Browns commercial, they show Malcom McDowell as Alex in A Clockwork Orange, strapped to a seat with his eyes clamped open. Only instead of Hitler marching to Beethoven, Alex would be forced to watch highlights of the 2006 Cleveland Browns. “No. No! NO! Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you! This is sin! This is sin! This is sin! It's a sin, it's a sin, it's a sin!”

27. Houston Texans (3-6): Two of the Texans three wins have come against Jacksonville. Poor, poor Jacksonville. Has Garrard found that manual override yet? Clearly I have nothing constructive to say about the Houston Texans.

28. Tennessee Titans (2-7): Jeff Fisher used to return kicks for the Bears. His leg was broken by Bill Cowher during the Bears’ storied 1985 season. I think that is way more interesting than anything anyone can tell you about the 2006 Tennessee Titans.

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-7): How long before Jon Gruden just says 'screw it' and starts to sleep for a gluttonous six hours a night? How long before Cadillac Williams becomes Pontiac Williams? How long before the return of a quarterback who was once called spineless, until he was rendered spleenless? These are the things that you talk about if you are a sports radio host in Tampa Bay. That, and ****fighting.

30. Oakland Raiders (2-7): Is there a slimier figure in professional sports than Al Davis? He looks like Donald Trump if he spent twenty years wandering the desert. (http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Co...d_9p.widec.jpg) If you were given luxury box season tickets for your favorite team, but you had to sit next to Al Davis, would you take them? If you were a woman, and he put a suitcase full of money in front of you, would you massage his droopy buttocks for three minutes? I like to ask my wife these questions. My wife likes to make me go dress shopping. Call us even.

31. Detroit Lions (2-7): Do you think the Ford family sits around a gigantic table and devises ways to build a losing team the way the evil owners did in the opening scenes in Major League? I mean you really couldn’t do it any better than they have. They have a G.M. who is hated by everyone who was ever a fan of their team, and they make it perfectly clear that he is never going to leave. They have had a top-ten pick in every draft since 2002. The first of the five (Joey Harrington) was traded for a bag of kicking tees. The second (Charles Rogers) is out of the league. The third (Roy Williams) can play, but he can’t stop running his mouth about the unstoppable nature of his offense, which happens to rank 19th in scoring. The fourth (Mike Williams) is still on the team, but can’t get on the field because he can't get to team meetings on time. And the fifth (Ernie Simms) is a talented middle linebacker who is prone to concussions. Meanwhile, the Saints pick up a receiver with the third-to-last pick in the draft (Marques Colston), and he's on pace for 100 receptions for 1500 yards in his rookie season. If you’re a hopeful Detroit Lions fan, then you are missing a significant portion of your cerebral cortex.

32. Arizona Cardinals (1-8): How would week 10 in the NFL look if Denny Green’s team had managed to hold on to the win against the Bears? Do the resurgent Cardinals, let by a confident Matt Leinart, coast to victories over beatable Oakland and Green Bay? Do the shaken Bears bench Rex Grossman and lose two of their next three games? Probably not. But there is absolutely no denying that the Arizona Cardinals had their hearts removed and urinated upon during the second half of their Monday Night meltdown, and there is no reason to expect a quick recovery. In other words, you can crown their ***** with the top pick in the 2007 NFL Draft. Pssst. Joe Thomas is really good.


The above is from the Bears fan who wrote those great articles about our dolphins last week. He did a new power ranking for the week. Pretty funny. He's kinda sucking up to the Jets this week since he's on their site but still pretty funny
 
off the subject but i cant believe we have the #2 defence in the nfl
 
Thanks for the site...

at least this week we will find out that the Vikes will move down on the lists...
 
adamprez2003 said:
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

The above is from the Bears fan who wrote those great articles about our dolphins last week. He did a new power ranking for the week. Pretty funny. He's kinda sucking up to the Jets this week since he's on their site but still pretty funny
Click to expand...
That's good stuff. :sidelol::sidelol:
 
"How long before Cadillac Williams becomes Pontiac Williams?"

:sidelol: thats good stuff!

Thanks
 
I like the fact that ESPN has us ranked the highest at 21.
 
Superself said:
"How long before Cadillac Williams becomes Pontiac Williams?"
Click to expand...
:sidelol::sidelol::sidelol::sidelol::sidelol:
 
I love the remade power ranking, that is just one of a kind right their.
I greatly enjoyed it. thanks adamprez!
 
Superself said:
"How long before Cadillac Williams becomes Pontiac Williams?"

:sidelol: thats good stuff!

Thanks
Click to expand...
I DONT NO BUT HE IS WELL ON HIS WAY...IM JUST GLAD WE TOOK RONNIE!
 
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