[humor] And Now It's Time For... The Tale Of The Tape!

[J. David Wannyheimer]

Inspired by Austin Tatious asking the question "Ted Larsen vs Jordan Phillips," I decided to ask a more relevant question: Ted Larsen... or a traffic cone?

Well, I thought about it rationally, and here were the results:


TED LARSEN VS A TRAFFIC CONE

Ted Larsen
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 323 lbs
Date of Birth: June 13, 1987
School: NC State
Years Pro: 9


Collapsible Orange Safety Traffic Cone
Height: 2'6"
Weight: 10 lbs
Date of Manufacture: 2018
School: N/A
Years Pro: 1


Anchoring in Pass Protection
Ted Larsen: Once attended a party at a place called "The Rusty Anchor"
Traffic Cone: Incapable of independent locomotion
Advantage: Push


Picking Up Stunts
Ted Larsen: Shifts out of position, leaving wide open gaps for pass rushers.
Traffic Cone: Incapable of independent locomotion
Advantage: Traffic Cone


Run Blocking
Ted Larsen: Gets no push off the line of scrimmage.
Traffic Cone: Incapable of independent locomotion
Advantage: Push


Penalties
Ted Larsen: Sometimes commits holding or false start penalties.
Traffic Cone: Is an inanimate object.
Advantage: Traffic Cone


Salary Cap Cost / Benefit Ratio
Ted Larsen: 2018 Salary Cap charge of $1,941,666.00 USD.
Traffic Cone: A five pack of high quality collapsible traffic cones will run you a little under $150.00 USD if you shop online.
Advantage: Traffic Cone


Feats of Strength
Ted Larsen: Can definitely pile-drive any management goons who attempt to throw him out of an All-You-Can-Eat restaurant.
Traffic Cone: Is an inanimate object.
Advantage: Ted Larsen


Transportation
Ted Larsen: Requires two seats on the team airplane.
Traffic Cone: If you buy that five pack I mentioned previously, it folds up into its own handy transport case.
Advantage: Traffic Cone


And there you have it, folks, the tale of the tape! Your winner... COLLAPSIBLE ORANGE SAFETY TRAFFIC CONE! Maybe the Dolphins should re-think their OL acquisitions. I think there's good value to be had in the road safety sector.

Enjoy the game today, folks.

 

[DrMultimedia]

If all the cones went on the field they might get called for too many cones on the field. :)

 

[royalshank]

Hahahah Hahahaha !!!

 

[cuzinvinny]

If all the cones went on the field they might get called for too many cones on the field. :)

But hopefully a lot less, encroachment, false starts and holding penalties...

 

[BennySwella]

On a more serious note, some people trivialize the importance of just one position on the team, and love to say that one player doesn't make a difference, or that having a bad Guard won't make or break your season, but I think these people lack awareness and forethought.

Guard has been one of our biggest weakness for these few years, and it has been one of the reasons our entire offense has struggled. The guard position is currently hampering the team more than any other position. If I had to pick who was worse, Ted Larsen or Raekwon McMillan, I would pick my nose. But it is Larsen, hands down.

 

[Daytona Fin]

It's all about that culture.

 

[John813]

Dolphins should just steal 5 orange traffic barrels off 95 on Sunday morning. Bigger than a cone, and you can fill it with water. Would be an upgrade in pass protection.