ckparrothead
Premium Member
Here are my keys to winning a meaningless preseason game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
1. Unretire DT Alex Karras: Emmanuel Lewis is not dead, and he is not the proprietor of a Laotian brothel. A long running addiction to marijuana laced with bovine growth hormone left him three feet taller and establishing a mediocre career as a college quarterback under the assumed name "Josh Free Man". Former Kansas State assistant and avid Webster fan Raheem Morris insisted on drafting him in the first round. In the unlikely event that the second-rate "Free Man" presents some small, pedestrian threat on the football field, the Dolphins would do well to bring the ancient Hall of Fame snub Karras out of retirement long enough to express his disappointment in Josh having chosen to blame a hooded black man for his accidentally hitting a baseball through the neighbor's window, shortly before a heart warming apology and the sharing of pie baked by Kurt Warner's wife.
2. Get medieval on TE Jerramy Stevens: We're talking an ice cream scoop, duct tape, candles and three gerbils. This will not go quickly, and it will not be pleasant. Bonus points for ripping his genitals away Sin City style. The Dolphins might get a 15 yard penalty, but winning the hearts and gratitude of Amurricans is way more important than winning a meaningless preseason game.
3. Bring some Hot Pockets: The fifteen surgeries on Kellen Winslow's knees have left him vulnerable to the nearby operation of microwave ovens and the high-pitched vibrations of an Autotune remix. This is the real reason Bill Parcells gave the go ahead on T-Pain's testicular slap-chop of the old Dolphins Fight Song (did you really think he didn't know?). Though the Dolphins will be free to T-Pain the Soljia's knee until it detonates at home come November, on the road they will have to settle for sneaking a microwave onto the sideline under the guise of heating up some Hot Pockets for Jason Ferguson.
4. A well-supervised pre-game field trip to Mons Venus: For years, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have overachieved their meager talent level, leading to the installation of portable testing devices in the team urinals. The secret is not designer steroids, but rather the abundance of perfectly carved Baltic flesh with 'daddy' issues found at local strip club Mons Venus. Monte Kiffin stumbled on the nubile equivalent of Popeye's spinach back in 1997. The trick is in the execution. You have to bring the room of athletes to a healthy froth of crotch-grinding and surgical enhancements until you can safely assume that the players have enough testocerone flowing through their veins to kill a horse. You can usually tell when the smell of lotion, baby powder, cigarette smoke and shame starts to take on a sharp tang. At that moment you have your assistant coaches rush in with cattle prods and break sticks (you can borrow some from Mike Vick), separating man from Ukrainian femme and busing them straight to the game (the players, not the strippers).
1. Unretire DT Alex Karras: Emmanuel Lewis is not dead, and he is not the proprietor of a Laotian brothel. A long running addiction to marijuana laced with bovine growth hormone left him three feet taller and establishing a mediocre career as a college quarterback under the assumed name "Josh Free Man". Former Kansas State assistant and avid Webster fan Raheem Morris insisted on drafting him in the first round. In the unlikely event that the second-rate "Free Man" presents some small, pedestrian threat on the football field, the Dolphins would do well to bring the ancient Hall of Fame snub Karras out of retirement long enough to express his disappointment in Josh having chosen to blame a hooded black man for his accidentally hitting a baseball through the neighbor's window, shortly before a heart warming apology and the sharing of pie baked by Kurt Warner's wife.
2. Get medieval on TE Jerramy Stevens: We're talking an ice cream scoop, duct tape, candles and three gerbils. This will not go quickly, and it will not be pleasant. Bonus points for ripping his genitals away Sin City style. The Dolphins might get a 15 yard penalty, but winning the hearts and gratitude of Amurricans is way more important than winning a meaningless preseason game.
3. Bring some Hot Pockets: The fifteen surgeries on Kellen Winslow's knees have left him vulnerable to the nearby operation of microwave ovens and the high-pitched vibrations of an Autotune remix. This is the real reason Bill Parcells gave the go ahead on T-Pain's testicular slap-chop of the old Dolphins Fight Song (did you really think he didn't know?). Though the Dolphins will be free to T-Pain the Soljia's knee until it detonates at home come November, on the road they will have to settle for sneaking a microwave onto the sideline under the guise of heating up some Hot Pockets for Jason Ferguson.
4. A well-supervised pre-game field trip to Mons Venus: For years, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have overachieved their meager talent level, leading to the installation of portable testing devices in the team urinals. The secret is not designer steroids, but rather the abundance of perfectly carved Baltic flesh with 'daddy' issues found at local strip club Mons Venus. Monte Kiffin stumbled on the nubile equivalent of Popeye's spinach back in 1997. The trick is in the execution. You have to bring the room of athletes to a healthy froth of crotch-grinding and surgical enhancements until you can safely assume that the players have enough testocerone flowing through their veins to kill a horse. You can usually tell when the smell of lotion, baby powder, cigarette smoke and shame starts to take on a sharp tang. At that moment you have your assistant coaches rush in with cattle prods and break sticks (you can borrow some from Mike Vick), separating man from Ukrainian femme and busing them straight to the game (the players, not the strippers).
