I kicked things off by standing on a makeshift stage, leaning into the microphone and saying, "My name is Bill, and I'm a recovering Daunte Culpepper owner." Everyone said hello. You could feel the warmth.
Then I told everyone my story: Last season, Daunte destroyed my West Coast fantasy team. Co-owner T-Man and I had taken him in the second round. We were expecting big things. He ended up obliterating our season -- six TDs and 12 INTs in six weeks, followed by Daunte blowing out his knee in 35 places in Week 7 and leaving us for dead. We never recovered. And naturally, we vowed never to take him again.
...
"Here's how bad he was," I told Paul and the crowd. "During the second half, the crowd was chanting, 'Jo-ey! Jo-ey! Jo-ey! Jo-ey!"
"Who's Joey?" Paul asked.
"That would be the Dolphins backup ... Joey Harrington."
There was a quick groan in the Staples Center, followed by a mortified silence, kinda like when a batter gets beaned during a baseball game.
"Oh, yeah," I said. "They were chanting for Joey Harrington. You heard me."
...
One thing's for sure: There are nearly 1,600 players in the National Football League, but it's hard to imagine anyone who's affected more fans than Culpepper. Minnesota fans are delighted he's gone. Miami fans are suddenly terrified that he's there. Gamblers have been burned by him to the point that it should be illegal to throw any Culpepper team into a tease. Everyone who had him in a 2005 fantasy league is still recovering, and everyone who has him or Chambers in 2006 is panicking as we speak. He even helped ruin the promising concept of having bachelor parties on chartered yachts. Add everything up and he's been the single most influential player in the league. Remember the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game? Now we have "One Degree of Daunte Culpepper."
Of course, he could solve every problem by just becoming a good quarterback again. Culpepper's defenders argue that we shouldn't give up on him yet, that he's still getting comfortable with a surgically repaired knee. After last weekend's loss to Buffalo, even Bills linebacker London Fletcher told reporters, "He's not healthy, he's not the same guy I've seen."
And that would be fine ... except it doesn't explain why Culpepper played so poorly last season. Maybe he's not healthy yet, but he's also not the same guy London Fletcher remembers. That guy is long gone. Someday, we're even going to realize it