adamprez2003
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The Dolphin: Ultimate Sport Mascot
There are thirty-two teams in the NFL, and each has a mascot which symbolizes its identity and serves to distinguish it from the rest of the league. As the following analysis will conclusively demonstrate, the dolphin is the supreme mascot in the National Football League. Since there is no way to organize a pile of garbage to make it smell any prettier, we’ll just go alphabetically.
49ers: This horrendous mascot draws its origins from the California gold rush of the mid 1800’s, specifically the peak year of 1849. The name refers to the prospectors themselves, 19th Century losers who fell for the oldest get-rich-quick scheme in history: free money. What the majority of the 49ers found instead was free cholera, causing them to drop a “Mother Lode†right in their pants. Dolphins are impervious to the hot poops. Advantage: Dolphin
Bears: On the surface, the bear may appear to be the ultimate animal mascot. Without getting prehistoric, it is difficult to find an animal who can match the brawn and the tenacity of the bear. However, for all their brute strength, bears are pretty dumb. This is exemplified by their propensity for garbage-eating and the whole hibernation thing, which leaves them vulnerable to poachers. Dolphins are intelligent creatures who, unlike bears, have managed to keep their heads and hides off of the hearths of hillbillies’ homesteads. Advantage: Dolphin
Bengals: It was previously believed that the mascot for the Cincinnati football franchise was the Bengal tiger. However, recent studies show that not one person within the greater Cincinnati area can be linked in any way to the nations of India, Bangladesh, or Myanmar, the countries where these sexy beasts reside. Contemporary mascot studies have revealed that a more likely link is the bengal cat, a breed of domesticated feline with a friendly disposition and a sandpapery tongue. In other words: a little *****. Advantage: Dolphin
Bills: Buffalo Bill is a significant figure in United States history. Something about the noteworthy accomplishment of shooting a bunch of slow-footed mammals in a large, conspicuous herd. Anyway, they say that Buffalo Bill was probably the most recognizable celebrity at the turn of the 20th Century. One hundred years later, the name Buffalo Bill is more commonly associated with a fictional serial killer who raises moths and tucks his wiener when he dances. Advantage: Dolphin
Broncos: A bronco is a feral horse, reputed for the size of its reproductive endowment. What most people forget is that a dolphin is basically a swimming wang. Advantage: Dolphin
Browns: Can anybody tell me what a Brown is? We know that their rabid fans wear dog masks and refer to the “dawg pound†but there is no such thing as a dog breed called the “brown,†so that seems unlikely. The Cleveland Browns used to be the name of a Negro League baseball team, a fact which contains some truly horrible implications. If the name “Browns†is, in fact, a defunct derogatory epithet for African Americans, then this is by far the most racist team name that never gets mentioned as a racist team name. Then again, it’s stupid to believe that the good people of Cleveland would allow for one of their teams to brandish such a demeaning mascot, right Chief Wahoo? A slightly less offensive possibility is that the term “Browns†is actually a euphemism for fecal matter. Who hasn’t excused himself from a room full of buddies saying, “I’m gonna take the Browns to the Super Bowl?†Advantage: Dolphin
Buccaneers: The Buccaneers were egalitarian pirates from various national backgrounds who came together under the unifying banner of indiscriminate pillaging. Despite many years of successful conquests, they were eventually bested by French and English forces. French and English forces? No self-respecting military presence would surrender to French and English forces. Advantage: Dolphin
Cardinals: A cardinal is a preening seed-eater, which poses absolutely no threat to anyone. Strangely, every one of those characteristics also applies to their franchise quarterback. The weakest of all bird mascots, it is amazing that the cardinal is hearty enough to survive an extended period of time in Paris. Yet another similarity! Advantage: Dolphin
Chargers: The Chargers probably derive their name from an archaic term for a war-horse. It’s either that or else one of those decorative plates that my wife made us register for instead of that really kick-*** blender I found. Anyway, assuming it’s the war-horse, the addition of a couple of armor plates does not trump the Wang Rule (See Broncos). Advantage: Dolphin
Chiefs: I am as ashamed as any twenty-first century white man for the general douchebaggery perpetrated by white men of the past. And I am equally embarrassed that modern day white men employ sport mascots in order to perpetuate the notion that the value of Native Americans can only be defined in historical contexts that are no longer relevant. Okay, this is not the forum for a soapbox mascot speech. As it relates to symbol superiority, the fighting Indian chief that represents the Kansas City football team is no longer in existence. Therefore, like the Buccaneers, the Chiefs must be filed under the “Extinct Warrior†category. Advantage: Dolphin
Colts: Wang Rule. Advantage: Dolphin
Cowboys: Unlike Buccaneers and Chiefs, cowboys were not vanquished by enemies. Instead, they evolved into NASCAR enthusiasts who wear nut-hugger jeans and mullets. Also, their association with the city of Dallas implies that the modern day cowboy is attracted to women whose enormous feathered hair bears an ironic resemblance to the headdresses worn by the very people whom their cowboy ancestors helped to annihilate. Oh, and cowboys now carry the stigma of the whole “I wish I knew how to quit you!†thing. Advantage: Dolphin
Eagles: As a bird of prey and the very symbol of our mighty nation, the eagle is, indeed, a worthy adversary. Unfortunately, the eagle was also used as the symbol for the French Empire, the Roman Empire, the Russian Empire, the Holy Roman Empire, the Austrian Empire, the Prussian Empire, and the aspiring Nazi Empire. Maybe we should switch to a wolf or something. On the other hand, the image of a dolphin is most commonly used as a tattoo above the buttocks of college women, symbolizing their desire to have you inside them. Advantage: Dolphin
Falcons: Another bird of prey, the falcon has the advantage of being associated with the original Star Wars trilogy and the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. However, in contemporary aviation, falcon is the name attributed to the F-16 fighter, whose popularity peaked with Iron Eagle, which becomes exponentially less watchable over time. On the other hand, the seminal masterpiece Top Gun becomes not only more watchable, but infinitely more quotable with every passing day (I use the line “Gutsiest move I ever saw, man.†on a semi-daily basis). In fact, Top Gun’s superiority over Iron Eagle is so extreme that its value is greater than the sum of Iron Eagle plus Star Wars. Expressed algebraically, TG > SW + IE. (NOTE: This does not suggest that Top Gun is superior to Star Wars. Rather, the statement reflects the fact that the value of Iron Eagle is sufficiently negative that it subtracts from the value of Star Wars to the extent that their sum becomes less than the individual value of Top Gun). In the expression, TG > SW + IE, let SW + IE represent the value of a falcon, and let TG represent the value of a tomcat. All that remains is to compare the relative value of a tomcat and a dolphin. A tomcat is just another *****, whose inferiority to the dolphin has been established (See Bengals). By the associative property, we can conclude that the dolphin is superior to the tomcat and, therefore, to the falcon as well. Advantage: Dolphin
Giants: It is unclear whether these are biblical giants or giants of the Gheorghe Muresan variety. Does it matter? Advantage: Dolphins.
Jaguars: Jaguara was my least favorite Thundercat, and there is no sense in ranking the badassedness of a large, predatory feline without first consulting the Thundercat hierarchy. I don’t care if she was timeless sorceress. If Jaguara was so powerful, how come her only job was to guard the gyroscope at the core of New Thundera? Bengali couldn’t do that? They let him make repairs to the Sword of Omens, I think he could handle a couple of shifts on gyroscope duty. Advantage: Dolphin
Jets: Unequivocally the worst of all team mascots, and the only name on this list that represents an inanimate object (unless, as suggested, “browns†means pieces of poop). No wonder these guys have to borrow someone else’s stadium for their home games. Advantage: Dolphin
Lions: In the wild, male lions make the females do all the work for them, which is not as cool as it sounds. All the males do is eat, sleep, and engage in the making of the love, which is not as cool as it…okay, I can’t fight it. There is no way that is any less cool than it sounds. Nevertheless, in the game of football, it simply isn’t acceptable to have a woman doing the brunt of the work. This is where the Ford family made a huge mistake hiring Matt Millen. Don’t let the phony moustache fool you. He has ovaries. Advantage: Dolphin
Packers: Contrary to the popular belief of Chicagoans, Green Bay derives its name from meat packers, and not fudge packers. My old man was a meat packer for 9 years and he hated it. The old-timers used to torment the rookies by stealing their lunches out of the refrigerator, swiping the lunchmeat from their sandwich, and replacing it with various unsavory animal parts. My favorite story involved sticking a cow’s eye into its own severed rectum so that it looked as though it was peeking out. “What’cha got there, Jenkins? Ham and Swiss? PB & J? Eyeball in an *******?†Advantage: Dolphin
Panthers: Panthro was by far the coolest Thundercat. Yes, Lion-O was the unquestioned Lord of the Thundercats, but people forget that he sometimes got in over his head as the result of having a 12-year-old mind in a 24-year-old body (suspended animation mishap). Panthro was the eldest and wisest Thundercat to survive the trip to Third Earth, and he also possessed the greatest physical strength. His battle-sticks were sweet as hell, AND he designed and built the Thundertank and Cat’s Lair. Throw in the Borat-style bathing suit with shoulder spikes, and there was never any question who the best was. That said, in natural science, the term panther is a broad classification (genus) containing tigers, lions, leopards, and jaguars. We have already established criteria to assert the dominance of dolphins over tigers (bengals), lions, jaguars, and therefore panthers. But while we’re on the subject, why are there no sports teams named for leopards? They’re fast, they kill things, they climb trees. Are stripes that much better than spots? Can you honestly tell me that the Bengals’ uniforms would look any worse if they were dotted with random spots instead of swirling with random stripes? Advantage: Dolphin
Patriots: Patriotism used to mean something in America. Something so tangible, that it must have filled the very air you breathed as you strolled around colonial Plymouth, the revolution of equality on the verge of inevitability. Patriotism was built upon a foundation of emotions so visceral, that the men and women who championed its cause could not help but commit their lives to its advance. It was about building America, but its implications reached beyond the shores of the Atlantic. Patriotism was about the creation of a new and better world. A statement to every nation on Earth that there was freedom to be won, freedom to be owned, freedom to be cherished and adored by every being whose soul still hungered for it. Today, patriotism is conflated with nationalism. It is defined by allegiance to the ruling administration. It is defined by the potency of your hatred for the terrorists. It is defined by the extent to which you adorn your vehicle with support for the troops. I disagree with those definitions. I believe that you can oppose the platforms of elected leaders and still be a patriot. I believe that you can demand justice for the attack on America and still have concern for citizens of the country with which we are at war. I believe that you can support, love, and pray for American soldiers without supporting the decisions that placed them in harm’s way. I believe that you can love America with all your heart while continuing to question whether she still aspires to the ideals of equality, justice, and freedom for all of the peoples of the Earth. Patriot is a loaded word these days, and has insufficient relevance to Thundercats. Advantage: Dolphin
Raiders: Extinct warrior, meaningless eye-patch. To me, a mangled eye is way more intimidating than an eye-patch. Anyone can wear an eye-patch and act like they were in the ****. I want to see the carnage. Advantage: Dolphin
Rams: A ram is a male sheep, easily identified by the horns that adorn each side of its head. It seems to me that those horns would be much more effective if they stuck straight out like elephant tusks. It’s an undeniable act of cowardice to curl them around like they were Leia Organa’s hair-stylist on Cloud City. Come on, what’s the better weapon: a pointed dagger or a stale Cinnabon? Stupid rams. Advantage: Dolphin
Ravens: “The Raven†might be the manliest poem ever written. But it’s still a poem. Advantage: Dolphin
Redskins: Racist for “Extinct Warrior.†Advantage: Dolphin
Saints: Forget everything you learned in Catholic school about canonization. The term “saint†was originally used to describe any Christian believer. There are many good professions for Christian believers, and football may even be one of them. If you’re a place kicker. I recognize that there are a lot of proclaimed Christians in the NFL, but try asking one of them to turn the other cheek the next time he gets folded like a chair while stretching out for a deep ball over the middle. Not happening. On the other hand, being an exceptionally evil person doesn’t help either. Just ask Albert Haynesworth. The only thing his wicked deed earned him was a five-game suspension and an extra barb on Satan’s rapestick. Advantage: Dolphin
Seahawks: The seahawk, or osprey, receives a significant point deduction for an unusual behavioral characteristic: Within a flock, the dominant male will routinely humiliate a subordinate by teabagging him with his oversized underbunch. Prior to its discovery in osprey, this behavior was thought to exist only among inebriated frat guys. Advantage: Dolphin
Steelers: As anyone who has been to Pittsburgh will tell you, the notion of a polluted city filled with mills and foundries is severely outdated. No longer confined to the role of industrial Mecca, Pittsburgh is a modern metropolis featuring a towering skyline and a dazzling array of bridges which lead to the outlying residential areas, beautifully sculpted upon the hillsides surrounding the confluence of the Ohio, Allegheny, and Monongahela rivers. I was very impressed by the city of Pittsburgh, and as far as I could tell there wasn’t a single steeler in existence. Except for the one who steeled my car stereo. Advantage: Dolphin
Texans: What can you say about Texans? I mean without getting the chair? This is a culture of people who still want to secede from the union, and would have done so long ago, if only they could figure out how to spell ‘secede’ on the official request forms. Advantage: Dolphin
Titans: As far as anyone knows, Zeus still keeps the Titans under lock and key in Tartarus, much like Superman still keeps General Zod on lockdown in the Phantom Zone. (If you laughed at that, you will almost certainly want to visit this website: www.zod2008.com). Advantage: Dolphin
Vikings: It would be too easy to write this off as an “Extinct Warrior.†While their warships have long been moored in the fjords, the spirit of the Viking lives on in the World’s Strongest Man competition. These guys make Ivan Drago look like a pantywaist. It really makes you wonder what life is like in Iceland, in particular. My personal theory is rather simple: By the time you are eight years old, you’ve already read the Norse Epics, so you turn your attention to lifting cars.
One final note about the mighty dolphin: Japanese researchers recently captured a bottlenose dolphin with a unique characteristic, an extra set of fins. Seiji Osumi posits, "I believe the fins may be remains from the time when dolphins' ancient ancestors lived on land." In other words, the conclusion of the scientists is that the fins are leftovers from 50 million years ago. We had better hope that they are right. Personally, I believe that the dolphins are growing wary of the sea. They’re tired of tuna nets, six-pack holders, and killer whales, and I fear that they may have their beady, lifeless eyes set on landfall. This mutation is no mistake, my friends. The dolphins are coming, and the creatures of Earth had better recognize. Brace Yo’self!
__________________
If anyone wants to send their appreciation for the week's worth of laughs just go to http://www.dabearz.com/. The guy who wrote it is OneManSwarm
There are thirty-two teams in the NFL, and each has a mascot which symbolizes its identity and serves to distinguish it from the rest of the league. As the following analysis will conclusively demonstrate, the dolphin is the supreme mascot in the National Football League. Since there is no way to organize a pile of garbage to make it smell any prettier, we’ll just go alphabetically.
49ers: This horrendous mascot draws its origins from the California gold rush of the mid 1800’s, specifically the peak year of 1849. The name refers to the prospectors themselves, 19th Century losers who fell for the oldest get-rich-quick scheme in history: free money. What the majority of the 49ers found instead was free cholera, causing them to drop a “Mother Lode†right in their pants. Dolphins are impervious to the hot poops. Advantage: Dolphin
Bears: On the surface, the bear may appear to be the ultimate animal mascot. Without getting prehistoric, it is difficult to find an animal who can match the brawn and the tenacity of the bear. However, for all their brute strength, bears are pretty dumb. This is exemplified by their propensity for garbage-eating and the whole hibernation thing, which leaves them vulnerable to poachers. Dolphins are intelligent creatures who, unlike bears, have managed to keep their heads and hides off of the hearths of hillbillies’ homesteads. Advantage: Dolphin
Bengals: It was previously believed that the mascot for the Cincinnati football franchise was the Bengal tiger. However, recent studies show that not one person within the greater Cincinnati area can be linked in any way to the nations of India, Bangladesh, or Myanmar, the countries where these sexy beasts reside. Contemporary mascot studies have revealed that a more likely link is the bengal cat, a breed of domesticated feline with a friendly disposition and a sandpapery tongue. In other words: a little *****. Advantage: Dolphin
Bills: Buffalo Bill is a significant figure in United States history. Something about the noteworthy accomplishment of shooting a bunch of slow-footed mammals in a large, conspicuous herd. Anyway, they say that Buffalo Bill was probably the most recognizable celebrity at the turn of the 20th Century. One hundred years later, the name Buffalo Bill is more commonly associated with a fictional serial killer who raises moths and tucks his wiener when he dances. Advantage: Dolphin
Broncos: A bronco is a feral horse, reputed for the size of its reproductive endowment. What most people forget is that a dolphin is basically a swimming wang. Advantage: Dolphin
Browns: Can anybody tell me what a Brown is? We know that their rabid fans wear dog masks and refer to the “dawg pound†but there is no such thing as a dog breed called the “brown,†so that seems unlikely. The Cleveland Browns used to be the name of a Negro League baseball team, a fact which contains some truly horrible implications. If the name “Browns†is, in fact, a defunct derogatory epithet for African Americans, then this is by far the most racist team name that never gets mentioned as a racist team name. Then again, it’s stupid to believe that the good people of Cleveland would allow for one of their teams to brandish such a demeaning mascot, right Chief Wahoo? A slightly less offensive possibility is that the term “Browns†is actually a euphemism for fecal matter. Who hasn’t excused himself from a room full of buddies saying, “I’m gonna take the Browns to the Super Bowl?†Advantage: Dolphin
Buccaneers: The Buccaneers were egalitarian pirates from various national backgrounds who came together under the unifying banner of indiscriminate pillaging. Despite many years of successful conquests, they were eventually bested by French and English forces. French and English forces? No self-respecting military presence would surrender to French and English forces. Advantage: Dolphin
Cardinals: A cardinal is a preening seed-eater, which poses absolutely no threat to anyone. Strangely, every one of those characteristics also applies to their franchise quarterback. The weakest of all bird mascots, it is amazing that the cardinal is hearty enough to survive an extended period of time in Paris. Yet another similarity! Advantage: Dolphin
Chargers: The Chargers probably derive their name from an archaic term for a war-horse. It’s either that or else one of those decorative plates that my wife made us register for instead of that really kick-*** blender I found. Anyway, assuming it’s the war-horse, the addition of a couple of armor plates does not trump the Wang Rule (See Broncos). Advantage: Dolphin
Chiefs: I am as ashamed as any twenty-first century white man for the general douchebaggery perpetrated by white men of the past. And I am equally embarrassed that modern day white men employ sport mascots in order to perpetuate the notion that the value of Native Americans can only be defined in historical contexts that are no longer relevant. Okay, this is not the forum for a soapbox mascot speech. As it relates to symbol superiority, the fighting Indian chief that represents the Kansas City football team is no longer in existence. Therefore, like the Buccaneers, the Chiefs must be filed under the “Extinct Warrior†category. Advantage: Dolphin
Colts: Wang Rule. Advantage: Dolphin
Cowboys: Unlike Buccaneers and Chiefs, cowboys were not vanquished by enemies. Instead, they evolved into NASCAR enthusiasts who wear nut-hugger jeans and mullets. Also, their association with the city of Dallas implies that the modern day cowboy is attracted to women whose enormous feathered hair bears an ironic resemblance to the headdresses worn by the very people whom their cowboy ancestors helped to annihilate. Oh, and cowboys now carry the stigma of the whole “I wish I knew how to quit you!†thing. Advantage: Dolphin
Eagles: As a bird of prey and the very symbol of our mighty nation, the eagle is, indeed, a worthy adversary. Unfortunately, the eagle was also used as the symbol for the French Empire, the Roman Empire, the Russian Empire, the Holy Roman Empire, the Austrian Empire, the Prussian Empire, and the aspiring Nazi Empire. Maybe we should switch to a wolf or something. On the other hand, the image of a dolphin is most commonly used as a tattoo above the buttocks of college women, symbolizing their desire to have you inside them. Advantage: Dolphin
Falcons: Another bird of prey, the falcon has the advantage of being associated with the original Star Wars trilogy and the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. However, in contemporary aviation, falcon is the name attributed to the F-16 fighter, whose popularity peaked with Iron Eagle, which becomes exponentially less watchable over time. On the other hand, the seminal masterpiece Top Gun becomes not only more watchable, but infinitely more quotable with every passing day (I use the line “Gutsiest move I ever saw, man.†on a semi-daily basis). In fact, Top Gun’s superiority over Iron Eagle is so extreme that its value is greater than the sum of Iron Eagle plus Star Wars. Expressed algebraically, TG > SW + IE. (NOTE: This does not suggest that Top Gun is superior to Star Wars. Rather, the statement reflects the fact that the value of Iron Eagle is sufficiently negative that it subtracts from the value of Star Wars to the extent that their sum becomes less than the individual value of Top Gun). In the expression, TG > SW + IE, let SW + IE represent the value of a falcon, and let TG represent the value of a tomcat. All that remains is to compare the relative value of a tomcat and a dolphin. A tomcat is just another *****, whose inferiority to the dolphin has been established (See Bengals). By the associative property, we can conclude that the dolphin is superior to the tomcat and, therefore, to the falcon as well. Advantage: Dolphin
Giants: It is unclear whether these are biblical giants or giants of the Gheorghe Muresan variety. Does it matter? Advantage: Dolphins.
Jaguars: Jaguara was my least favorite Thundercat, and there is no sense in ranking the badassedness of a large, predatory feline without first consulting the Thundercat hierarchy. I don’t care if she was timeless sorceress. If Jaguara was so powerful, how come her only job was to guard the gyroscope at the core of New Thundera? Bengali couldn’t do that? They let him make repairs to the Sword of Omens, I think he could handle a couple of shifts on gyroscope duty. Advantage: Dolphin
Jets: Unequivocally the worst of all team mascots, and the only name on this list that represents an inanimate object (unless, as suggested, “browns†means pieces of poop). No wonder these guys have to borrow someone else’s stadium for their home games. Advantage: Dolphin
Lions: In the wild, male lions make the females do all the work for them, which is not as cool as it sounds. All the males do is eat, sleep, and engage in the making of the love, which is not as cool as it…okay, I can’t fight it. There is no way that is any less cool than it sounds. Nevertheless, in the game of football, it simply isn’t acceptable to have a woman doing the brunt of the work. This is where the Ford family made a huge mistake hiring Matt Millen. Don’t let the phony moustache fool you. He has ovaries. Advantage: Dolphin
Packers: Contrary to the popular belief of Chicagoans, Green Bay derives its name from meat packers, and not fudge packers. My old man was a meat packer for 9 years and he hated it. The old-timers used to torment the rookies by stealing their lunches out of the refrigerator, swiping the lunchmeat from their sandwich, and replacing it with various unsavory animal parts. My favorite story involved sticking a cow’s eye into its own severed rectum so that it looked as though it was peeking out. “What’cha got there, Jenkins? Ham and Swiss? PB & J? Eyeball in an *******?†Advantage: Dolphin
Panthers: Panthro was by far the coolest Thundercat. Yes, Lion-O was the unquestioned Lord of the Thundercats, but people forget that he sometimes got in over his head as the result of having a 12-year-old mind in a 24-year-old body (suspended animation mishap). Panthro was the eldest and wisest Thundercat to survive the trip to Third Earth, and he also possessed the greatest physical strength. His battle-sticks were sweet as hell, AND he designed and built the Thundertank and Cat’s Lair. Throw in the Borat-style bathing suit with shoulder spikes, and there was never any question who the best was. That said, in natural science, the term panther is a broad classification (genus) containing tigers, lions, leopards, and jaguars. We have already established criteria to assert the dominance of dolphins over tigers (bengals), lions, jaguars, and therefore panthers. But while we’re on the subject, why are there no sports teams named for leopards? They’re fast, they kill things, they climb trees. Are stripes that much better than spots? Can you honestly tell me that the Bengals’ uniforms would look any worse if they were dotted with random spots instead of swirling with random stripes? Advantage: Dolphin
Patriots: Patriotism used to mean something in America. Something so tangible, that it must have filled the very air you breathed as you strolled around colonial Plymouth, the revolution of equality on the verge of inevitability. Patriotism was built upon a foundation of emotions so visceral, that the men and women who championed its cause could not help but commit their lives to its advance. It was about building America, but its implications reached beyond the shores of the Atlantic. Patriotism was about the creation of a new and better world. A statement to every nation on Earth that there was freedom to be won, freedom to be owned, freedom to be cherished and adored by every being whose soul still hungered for it. Today, patriotism is conflated with nationalism. It is defined by allegiance to the ruling administration. It is defined by the potency of your hatred for the terrorists. It is defined by the extent to which you adorn your vehicle with support for the troops. I disagree with those definitions. I believe that you can oppose the platforms of elected leaders and still be a patriot. I believe that you can demand justice for the attack on America and still have concern for citizens of the country with which we are at war. I believe that you can support, love, and pray for American soldiers without supporting the decisions that placed them in harm’s way. I believe that you can love America with all your heart while continuing to question whether she still aspires to the ideals of equality, justice, and freedom for all of the peoples of the Earth. Patriot is a loaded word these days, and has insufficient relevance to Thundercats. Advantage: Dolphin
Raiders: Extinct warrior, meaningless eye-patch. To me, a mangled eye is way more intimidating than an eye-patch. Anyone can wear an eye-patch and act like they were in the ****. I want to see the carnage. Advantage: Dolphin
Rams: A ram is a male sheep, easily identified by the horns that adorn each side of its head. It seems to me that those horns would be much more effective if they stuck straight out like elephant tusks. It’s an undeniable act of cowardice to curl them around like they were Leia Organa’s hair-stylist on Cloud City. Come on, what’s the better weapon: a pointed dagger or a stale Cinnabon? Stupid rams. Advantage: Dolphin
Ravens: “The Raven†might be the manliest poem ever written. But it’s still a poem. Advantage: Dolphin
Redskins: Racist for “Extinct Warrior.†Advantage: Dolphin
Saints: Forget everything you learned in Catholic school about canonization. The term “saint†was originally used to describe any Christian believer. There are many good professions for Christian believers, and football may even be one of them. If you’re a place kicker. I recognize that there are a lot of proclaimed Christians in the NFL, but try asking one of them to turn the other cheek the next time he gets folded like a chair while stretching out for a deep ball over the middle. Not happening. On the other hand, being an exceptionally evil person doesn’t help either. Just ask Albert Haynesworth. The only thing his wicked deed earned him was a five-game suspension and an extra barb on Satan’s rapestick. Advantage: Dolphin
Seahawks: The seahawk, or osprey, receives a significant point deduction for an unusual behavioral characteristic: Within a flock, the dominant male will routinely humiliate a subordinate by teabagging him with his oversized underbunch. Prior to its discovery in osprey, this behavior was thought to exist only among inebriated frat guys. Advantage: Dolphin
Steelers: As anyone who has been to Pittsburgh will tell you, the notion of a polluted city filled with mills and foundries is severely outdated. No longer confined to the role of industrial Mecca, Pittsburgh is a modern metropolis featuring a towering skyline and a dazzling array of bridges which lead to the outlying residential areas, beautifully sculpted upon the hillsides surrounding the confluence of the Ohio, Allegheny, and Monongahela rivers. I was very impressed by the city of Pittsburgh, and as far as I could tell there wasn’t a single steeler in existence. Except for the one who steeled my car stereo. Advantage: Dolphin
Texans: What can you say about Texans? I mean without getting the chair? This is a culture of people who still want to secede from the union, and would have done so long ago, if only they could figure out how to spell ‘secede’ on the official request forms. Advantage: Dolphin
Titans: As far as anyone knows, Zeus still keeps the Titans under lock and key in Tartarus, much like Superman still keeps General Zod on lockdown in the Phantom Zone. (If you laughed at that, you will almost certainly want to visit this website: www.zod2008.com). Advantage: Dolphin
Vikings: It would be too easy to write this off as an “Extinct Warrior.†While their warships have long been moored in the fjords, the spirit of the Viking lives on in the World’s Strongest Man competition. These guys make Ivan Drago look like a pantywaist. It really makes you wonder what life is like in Iceland, in particular. My personal theory is rather simple: By the time you are eight years old, you’ve already read the Norse Epics, so you turn your attention to lifting cars.
One final note about the mighty dolphin: Japanese researchers recently captured a bottlenose dolphin with a unique characteristic, an extra set of fins. Seiji Osumi posits, "I believe the fins may be remains from the time when dolphins' ancient ancestors lived on land." In other words, the conclusion of the scientists is that the fins are leftovers from 50 million years ago. We had better hope that they are right. Personally, I believe that the dolphins are growing wary of the sea. They’re tired of tuna nets, six-pack holders, and killer whales, and I fear that they may have their beady, lifeless eyes set on landfall. This mutation is no mistake, my friends. The dolphins are coming, and the creatures of Earth had better recognize. Brace Yo’self!
__________________
If anyone wants to send their appreciation for the week's worth of laughs just go to http://www.dabearz.com/. The guy who wrote it is OneManSwarm
