*sigh*
:bumpus
It appears that The Team Bumpus All-Star Crack Research Squad has unfortunately unearthed some disturbing information about my esteemed opponent, Digital.
As much as they hate being forced to divulge information of this nature, especially at such a late date in the campaign - They realize that it is important TO YOU, THE INFORMED FINHEAVEN VOTER in your quest to send the best posters to the FHMM Elite Eight.
New Sources deep within Digital Headquarters have defected from his campaign due to conscience issues. It would seem that the reason Digital chose that username, involves what he and Richard Simmons enjoyed doing with Ritchie Incognito to the previously known “Snake” Jonathon Martin.
As we all know, Martin was a flaming ***** for being a 300lb man who said he felt bullied.
What none of us were privy to was the rest of the story:
It’s seems that Ritchie, with the aid of Mr. Simmons, and a previously unknown gentleman who we now know as “Digital” had hatched a scheme to torture the former Miami Dolphins O-lineman. They had captured Martin’s grandmother and the litter of stray puppies that she had recently taken into her home. Ritchie for reasons that he was a sick SOB who enjoyed it. Mr. Simmons for reasons that will be obvious in a minute. And, “Digital” for reasons of financial profit.
These three men sexually abused the Matriarch of the Martin family by repeatedly digitally fingering her asshole as well as those of the poor little puppies while wearing what is best described as an “Edward Scissorhands style movie prop” These acts were documented on film as well as in still photography and were distributed by way of being taped to the bottom of lunch trays in the Dolphins cafeteria.
We all know the disasterous effect that this had upon the Miami Dolphins 2013 Season.
What we never knew unitil just now is the truth behind the Bullygate Scandal, and just how depraved it was.
A Dolphins season, wiped out.
A once-proud Franchise, publically humiliated.
A litter of puppies assholes, reamed out forever.
All because of the twisted and depraved acts of three men. We knew Ritchie was “off” but he’s a lineman & they’re screwed up anyway. We knew Richard Simmons was light in the loafers and would most likely enjoy butt play.
What we didn’t know, was the existence of this mystery individual. A person so depraved, that they would go to any lengths for a blackmail or extortion payday. An individual who would not be bothered by using their fingers to destroy the buttholes of an elderly woman or a litter of sweet little dewey-eyed innocent frolicking cute infant puppies.
Now, not only do we know of this individual’s existence ... But, his name:
It is - Digital
... and he wants to be your latex salesman. Er, um - He wants you to vote for him.
Stop this madness right here, right now. ONLY YOU CAN DO IT.
The choice is clear.
:bumpus
