25. United Parcel Service: Yes, former UPS driver Bernie Parmalee led the team in rushing in 1994 and 1995. Still, the search for the total running back package lasted several more years. If the Dolphins needed such a star absolutely, positively overnight, surely they should have gone with Fed Ex.
24. "The U": For sending all those great Hurricanes to other NFL teams, without making the Dolphins aware they were allowed to draft them. (Well, with the exception of a brittle receiver destined to tear up his knee on the first day of training camp.)
23. Buttercup: In his final two seasons,
Jimmy Johnson seemed more preoccupied with his pet Yorkie and the
New York Stock Exchange than beating the New York Jets. … or anyone else.
22. Lobster traps: Dave Wannstedt hung them from the locker room ceiling to get his 2002 team to focus on hapless Minnesota, a week before a big date with New England. Players were puzzled, then lost both games. Next time, trap door. Quick and painless.
21. Video games: John Avery lost lots of sleep playing them. Defensive coordinators lost little worrying about how to stop him.
20. The gym: That is where many men meet beautiful women. Talented running back prospect Cecil Collins met one so stunning he later broke into her apartment. He claimed he simply wanted to watch her sleep. How sweet. And he was a solid citizen compared to Lawrence Phillips.
19. Lenny Kravitz: Wouldn't you need something mind-altering to listen to his cover of "American Woman" night after night? So who could blame
Ricky Williams for some weed usage while touring with the singer?
18. Darkness: It suspiciously came to the visiting locker room during halftime of the 1995 playoff game at Jack Murphy Stadium. At the time, the Dolphins led 21-6, and many players assumed Chargers GM Bobby Beathard (who was feuding with Shula) had something to do with the power outage. Of course, the stadium was well-lit when Pete Stoyanovich, after a bad snap by Jeff Dellenbach, shanked a 48-yard field goal attempt and turned the lights out on the Dolphins' last best chance.
17. Alliteration: It was soothing to shout "Sammie Sucks" back in 1991, and made furious fans feel a little better about Sammie Smith's fumbling follies. The sensitive, shaken Smith? Simply never the same.
16. Expansion: Jaguars 62, Dolphins 7. Against the Texans? 0-5.
15. The Spielman System: In his first major act with final personnel say in 2004, General Manager Rick Spielman did a lengthy study comparing the limited work of
Eagles third-stringer
A.J. Feeley to that of other backups who later became full-time starters. Then he traded a second-rounder for him. He could have saved a lot of time and trouble by simply asking Eric Cartman. ("Aw, man, I got a crappy A.J. Feeley card again!")
14. Terry Saban: Well, we've ripped Nick enough, haven't we? Truth is, his wife liked it here even less.
13. University of Tennessee: Eddie Moore. Jason Allen. Gibril Wilson. OK, we're no longer taking Volunteers.
12. Modern medicine: Numerous doctors said
Daunte Culpepper's bum knee was a safer bet than Drew Brees' shredded shoulder. Not that Brees became anything.
11. Jumbo Elliott: The Dolphins held a 30-7 lead in the fourth quarter in 2000, only for the Jets to tie them at 37 on a pass to their left tackle. You remember the Miracle at the Meadowlands? What you may forget about 2000 is the 40-37 loss would cost them home field against the Raiders in the postseason's second round. Oakland clobbered them in the Black Hole 27-0 somehow without throwing to a single offensive lineman.
10. Screen passes: It's been 17 years since the 1993 AFC Championship loss to Buffalo. You think Tom Olivadotti's learned to stop them yet? (Thurman Thomas just ran by shook his head.)
9. Mo Lewis: For knocking out
Drew Bledsoe in 2001. Otherwise, the
Patriots might never have learned what they had in
Tom Brady. Plus,
Gisele Bundchen might still be single.
8. The Ginn family: For being so darn nice to
Cam Cameron.
7. Bill Parcells: For making
Ray Lucas, the Jet, look like a quarterback worth signing.
6. Gary Stevens: For not knowing what to do with chicken bleep.
5. Larry Shannon: For not being
Randy Moss, which is what Johnson promised.
4. Anquan Boldin: For not being a special-teams linebacker, which is what Wannstedt wanted.
3. Eric Kumerow: Who? (Yes, still a mystery.)
2. Dirt: For repeatedly messing with
Olindo Mare.
1. Dan Marino: For being only one man.