- Joined
- Jun 18, 2003
- Messages
- 16,442
- Reaction score
- 44,138
I just got back from the future... yes, I have a time machine. Here's how the draft will go. (I hope this wasn't one of those alternate future things)
1. Jags: Trevor Lawrence was taken after the Jaguars took their entire time on the clock. They sold lots of merch during that time.
2. Jesters: First the team announced that they have changed their name to this more accurate tag, and then they selected Zach Wilson
3. 49rs: (through Miami): In a bit of a surprise, the 49rs selected Trey Lance, sending Miami 5 draft picks for the privilege.
4. Falcons: Rushed to the podium and selected Justin Fields. No one buys their merch anyway.
5. Bengals: Showing the value of patience when you are in the five spot, the Bungles got their man in Penei Sewell.
6: Eagles: Having lost almost all of their WRs in the offseason, the Eagles quickly selected Ja'marr Chase, even though they were surprised his name had an apostrophe in it.
7. Lions: Caleb Farley was selected after some dithering over the WR pool.
8. Texans: As part of the major draft pick haul they got from the Panthers for DeShaun Watson, the Texans selected Rashawn Slater as their fans threw garbage at the Commissioner.
9. Broncos: Selected Patrick Surtain II as John Elway drunkenly insisted that he knew QBs better than anybody and Drew Lock is gonna be a star.
10. Cowboys: Still trying to fix their drug-addled Defensive Line, the Cowboys selected Kwitty Paye, though after paying Dak Prescott, they may not have the money to actually pay Paye.
11. Giants stopped the fall of DeVonta Smith, claiming they after drafting their QB, they have given up on prototypes.
12: Dolphins: Grier and Flores took their entire clock trying to trade down once again, before saying the Hell with it, Jaylen Waddle.
13. Dolphins: The attempted trade down having been a smokescreen, the Dolphins gave up only part of what they'd received in their trade down from #3 to trade back up in the 13th spot for Micah Parsons.
14: Vikings: In a bit of a surprise, the Vikings took what may have been their biggest need and selected Wyatt Davis.
15: Patriots: After making sure that he was part Polish, the Bellicheats selected Kyle Pitts.
16: Cardinals: Needed an Edge, got an Edge with Gregory Rousseau.
17: Raiders: Ran to the podium before they lost Zaven Collins to fix their horrible defense.
18: Chargers: Their trade down worked like a charm, they still hit their target, Christian Darrisaw.
19: Football Team: Still without a name as the league has rejected their top three selections, they instead selected a player with three names, Alijah Vera-Tucker.
20. Da Bears: Told that they could not re-select Mike Ditka as his eligibility had expired, Da Bears instead took Rashod Bateman from nearby Minnesota.
21: Colts: Still confused by Luck's retirement, the Colts select a lineman to protect him in said retirement, Jalen Mayfield.
22: Titans: Wanted an Edge, but instead selected Christian Barmore, and chose to wait til the second round for their edge prospect.
23: Jesters: Could have gone anywhere with this pick, but in a reasonable move, selected Assante Samuel Jr. Their fans booed lustily, still wanting a Running Back.
24: Steelers: Jaycee Horn was selected and the Steelers fans wanted to know if he plays Quarterback.
25: Jaguars: Attempted to trade down as most of their targets were gone, but ultimately settled on Jaelen Phillips to fortify their defense.
26: Browns: The Browns are boring, so they took they least exciting player they could think of, Daviyon Nixon.
27. Ravens: Fully aware that their QB isn't the best passer in the league, the Ravens took a target that didn't require deep passes, Pat Friermuth.
28: Saints: Having lost half their team to the salary cap, the Saints start their rebuild with Mac Jones.
29: Packers: Finally select a WR, Terrance Marshall, Rodgers rolls his eyes in disgust.
30:Jills: Following up on the Chiefs move from a year ago, the Bills realize they are a deep team and can overpay for a Running Back, Travis Etienne.
31: Chiefs: Belatedly realizing that having a few more linemen might help their high-flying offense, the Chiefs selected Alex Leatherwood.
32: Bucs: Remembering the heydays of Brady to Welker, the Bucs selected Kadarious Toney.
I absolutely assure you that THIS is how it will go. Cross my heart...
1. Jags: Trevor Lawrence was taken after the Jaguars took their entire time on the clock. They sold lots of merch during that time.
2. Jesters: First the team announced that they have changed their name to this more accurate tag, and then they selected Zach Wilson
3. 49rs: (through Miami): In a bit of a surprise, the 49rs selected Trey Lance, sending Miami 5 draft picks for the privilege.
4. Falcons: Rushed to the podium and selected Justin Fields. No one buys their merch anyway.
5. Bengals: Showing the value of patience when you are in the five spot, the Bungles got their man in Penei Sewell.
6: Eagles: Having lost almost all of their WRs in the offseason, the Eagles quickly selected Ja'marr Chase, even though they were surprised his name had an apostrophe in it.
7. Lions: Caleb Farley was selected after some dithering over the WR pool.
8. Texans: As part of the major draft pick haul they got from the Panthers for DeShaun Watson, the Texans selected Rashawn Slater as their fans threw garbage at the Commissioner.
9. Broncos: Selected Patrick Surtain II as John Elway drunkenly insisted that he knew QBs better than anybody and Drew Lock is gonna be a star.
10. Cowboys: Still trying to fix their drug-addled Defensive Line, the Cowboys selected Kwitty Paye, though after paying Dak Prescott, they may not have the money to actually pay Paye.
11. Giants stopped the fall of DeVonta Smith, claiming they after drafting their QB, they have given up on prototypes.
12: Dolphins: Grier and Flores took their entire clock trying to trade down once again, before saying the Hell with it, Jaylen Waddle.
13. Dolphins: The attempted trade down having been a smokescreen, the Dolphins gave up only part of what they'd received in their trade down from #3 to trade back up in the 13th spot for Micah Parsons.
14: Vikings: In a bit of a surprise, the Vikings took what may have been their biggest need and selected Wyatt Davis.
15: Patriots: After making sure that he was part Polish, the Bellicheats selected Kyle Pitts.
16: Cardinals: Needed an Edge, got an Edge with Gregory Rousseau.
17: Raiders: Ran to the podium before they lost Zaven Collins to fix their horrible defense.
18: Chargers: Their trade down worked like a charm, they still hit their target, Christian Darrisaw.
19: Football Team: Still without a name as the league has rejected their top three selections, they instead selected a player with three names, Alijah Vera-Tucker.
20. Da Bears: Told that they could not re-select Mike Ditka as his eligibility had expired, Da Bears instead took Rashod Bateman from nearby Minnesota.
21: Colts: Still confused by Luck's retirement, the Colts select a lineman to protect him in said retirement, Jalen Mayfield.
22: Titans: Wanted an Edge, but instead selected Christian Barmore, and chose to wait til the second round for their edge prospect.
23: Jesters: Could have gone anywhere with this pick, but in a reasonable move, selected Assante Samuel Jr. Their fans booed lustily, still wanting a Running Back.
24: Steelers: Jaycee Horn was selected and the Steelers fans wanted to know if he plays Quarterback.
25: Jaguars: Attempted to trade down as most of their targets were gone, but ultimately settled on Jaelen Phillips to fortify their defense.
26: Browns: The Browns are boring, so they took they least exciting player they could think of, Daviyon Nixon.
27. Ravens: Fully aware that their QB isn't the best passer in the league, the Ravens took a target that didn't require deep passes, Pat Friermuth.
28: Saints: Having lost half their team to the salary cap, the Saints start their rebuild with Mac Jones.
29: Packers: Finally select a WR, Terrance Marshall, Rodgers rolls his eyes in disgust.
30:Jills: Following up on the Chiefs move from a year ago, the Bills realize they are a deep team and can overpay for a Running Back, Travis Etienne.
31: Chiefs: Belatedly realizing that having a few more linemen might help their high-flying offense, the Chiefs selected Alex Leatherwood.
32: Bucs: Remembering the heydays of Brady to Welker, the Bucs selected Kadarious Toney.
I absolutely assure you that THIS is how it will go. Cross my heart...
