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Here is a summary of all of Tannenbaum's BIG MOVES for the past three years! Otherwise known as the next three years, for all you poor saps who aren't from the future.
This is your last warning! Close this window now if you don't like spoilers!
Year 1
Tannenbaum hires Eric Mangini to lead the team to new heights! Mangini strongly proclaims his faith in new GM and coffee gopher extraordinaire Chris Gier at his first press conference.
Tannenbaum brings Mark Sanchez down to Miami to compete with Ryan Tannehill for the starting QB job.
Tannehill and Suh restructure their contracts so they're massively backloaded with tons of guaranteed money, so that the Dolphins can sign Mario Williams to a record-breaking deal to shore up our d-line.
Miller is let go. Earl Mitchell converts to a fullback/running back to replace him.
Bart Scott decides he's tired of broadcasting and comes out of retirement to fill a starting linebacker spot for the Miami Dolphins.
After an extensive amount of wheeling and dealing, the Dolphins manage to come out of the 2016 draft with two total draft picks, each considered a project with great raw measurables.
Landry falls into a stress-induced coma during a particularly bad loss to the Tennessee Titans.
The Dolphins exceed all expectations and manage to lose 15 games by a net total of 253 points.
Year 2
Eric Mangini is let go. Chris Gier is demoted to an unspecified scouting and donut related role.
Tannenbaum's title is officially changed to "Super Tzar of the Ultimate Personnel Inferences of the Dolphins and Acting Superintendent of Success"
Sean Peyton comes out of retirement to accept the Brinks truck filled with gold and high quality diamonds personally driven to his house by Stephen Ross, and grudgingly accepts the head coaching job as well.
Reports emerge about Tannenbaum and Sean Peyton's chosen GM butting heads, Tannenbaum is seen whispering to Ross heatedly during games.
Ross gives the nominal GM an extension with 2 weeks left in the season to show his trust in his efforts to rebuild the team.
The team improves to a 4-12 record thanks to the re-energized efforts of Landry, and Jordan Cameron who is shining in his new role as left guard.
A day after the season ends, Ross expresses his disappointment in the team's stagnation roster since the GM's last extension, and decides to fire him.
Sean Peyton is suspected of burning down the entire Dolphins stadium in a single night in protest. A league investigation is started but never finds any definitive proof.
Several thousand videos show up shortly thereafter on youtube showing Sean Peyton, Rex Ryan, and Richie Incognito wearing Bills caps and playing Beer pong while the stadium is burning to the ground in the background.
Year 3
The Dolphins show up to their week one matchup in London with no head coach. Mike Tannenbaum could not be reached for comment as he was busy designing the Jacuzzi for his new luxury suite in the new Dolphins stadium that is being designed. Ross expressed his shock at hearing Sean Peyton was no longer leading the team, saying "Mike mentioned he hadn't been showing up to some of the offseason programs, but I thought he was just hard at work thinking of ways to improve our team"
Sean Peyton declined commenting, but sources close to the team say Tannenbaum hid Sean Peyton's resignation papers, and has been gallivanting through the facility while making the coordinators call certain plays during the game and ordering players to call him "Sir super tzar SIR" and to perform the touchdown celebrations he makes them practice each week. Tannenbaum flatly denies all of this, claiming that Peyton is still responsible for all daily activities of the team.
Ross decides to fly the team plane back to Miami himself to prove he's not a bad owner and that he's still willing to fly through hell and high water to make the Dolphins into a respectable franchise.
Shortly after an unexplained detour, the team plane suddenly disappears from radar directly over the Bermuda Triangle. Ross's last comments over the plane's radio were "Stop worrying so much, I know exactly where we are, we made a left turn at the slightly banana-ish island 2 hours back, now we just need to keep going straight until we reach---"
In the end, Landry was the only player to ever make it back to Miami as he couldn't stand the week one loss to the London Super Chargers of 56 to -2 and decided to swim back to Miami out of atonement instead of taking the plane.
The Dolphins end the season at 7-9 and barely miss the playoffs. But things are looking bright for the future.
This is your last warning! Close this window now if you don't like spoilers!
Year 1
Tannenbaum hires Eric Mangini to lead the team to new heights! Mangini strongly proclaims his faith in new GM and coffee gopher extraordinaire Chris Gier at his first press conference.
Tannenbaum brings Mark Sanchez down to Miami to compete with Ryan Tannehill for the starting QB job.
Tannehill and Suh restructure their contracts so they're massively backloaded with tons of guaranteed money, so that the Dolphins can sign Mario Williams to a record-breaking deal to shore up our d-line.
Miller is let go. Earl Mitchell converts to a fullback/running back to replace him.
Bart Scott decides he's tired of broadcasting and comes out of retirement to fill a starting linebacker spot for the Miami Dolphins.
After an extensive amount of wheeling and dealing, the Dolphins manage to come out of the 2016 draft with two total draft picks, each considered a project with great raw measurables.
Landry falls into a stress-induced coma during a particularly bad loss to the Tennessee Titans.
The Dolphins exceed all expectations and manage to lose 15 games by a net total of 253 points.
Year 2
Eric Mangini is let go. Chris Gier is demoted to an unspecified scouting and donut related role.
Tannenbaum's title is officially changed to "Super Tzar of the Ultimate Personnel Inferences of the Dolphins and Acting Superintendent of Success"
Sean Peyton comes out of retirement to accept the Brinks truck filled with gold and high quality diamonds personally driven to his house by Stephen Ross, and grudgingly accepts the head coaching job as well.
Reports emerge about Tannenbaum and Sean Peyton's chosen GM butting heads, Tannenbaum is seen whispering to Ross heatedly during games.
Ross gives the nominal GM an extension with 2 weeks left in the season to show his trust in his efforts to rebuild the team.
The team improves to a 4-12 record thanks to the re-energized efforts of Landry, and Jordan Cameron who is shining in his new role as left guard.
A day after the season ends, Ross expresses his disappointment in the team's stagnation roster since the GM's last extension, and decides to fire him.
Sean Peyton is suspected of burning down the entire Dolphins stadium in a single night in protest. A league investigation is started but never finds any definitive proof.
Several thousand videos show up shortly thereafter on youtube showing Sean Peyton, Rex Ryan, and Richie Incognito wearing Bills caps and playing Beer pong while the stadium is burning to the ground in the background.
Year 3
The Dolphins show up to their week one matchup in London with no head coach. Mike Tannenbaum could not be reached for comment as he was busy designing the Jacuzzi for his new luxury suite in the new Dolphins stadium that is being designed. Ross expressed his shock at hearing Sean Peyton was no longer leading the team, saying "Mike mentioned he hadn't been showing up to some of the offseason programs, but I thought he was just hard at work thinking of ways to improve our team"
Sean Peyton declined commenting, but sources close to the team say Tannenbaum hid Sean Peyton's resignation papers, and has been gallivanting through the facility while making the coordinators call certain plays during the game and ordering players to call him "Sir super tzar SIR" and to perform the touchdown celebrations he makes them practice each week. Tannenbaum flatly denies all of this, claiming that Peyton is still responsible for all daily activities of the team.
Ross decides to fly the team plane back to Miami himself to prove he's not a bad owner and that he's still willing to fly through hell and high water to make the Dolphins into a respectable franchise.
Shortly after an unexplained detour, the team plane suddenly disappears from radar directly over the Bermuda Triangle. Ross's last comments over the plane's radio were "Stop worrying so much, I know exactly where we are, we made a left turn at the slightly banana-ish island 2 hours back, now we just need to keep going straight until we reach---"
In the end, Landry was the only player to ever make it back to Miami as he couldn't stand the week one loss to the London Super Chargers of 56 to -2 and decided to swim back to Miami out of atonement instead of taking the plane.
The Dolphins end the season at 7-9 and barely miss the playoffs. But things are looking bright for the future.
