ckparrothead
Premium Member
Here are my keys to winning a meaningless preseason game.
1. Have Brandon London insult Steve Smith's mother early: It is well known that Steve Smith hates two things in life, pretty boys and jokes about his momma. The biggest key to winning a meaningless contest with the Carolina Panthers is to get the Tazmanian Devil off the field as early as possible. You need to limit your exposure to his razor storm of lightning bolts and touchdowns, and the easiest way to accomplish this is to get him ejected. The Dolphins may have made a crucial error by releasing CB Eric Green before the game. He could insult Smith's mom, get his face broken in, and the Dolphins would still account it no great loss. Now they'll have to give up something of value, and that is Brandon London's modeling career. Take one for the team, Brandon, and you might stick around for Atlanta. Well, probably not. But Parcells might not sit on you if you cooperate. No, that's a lie too. Do it for America...and puppies.
2. Bring a case of Kettle One for OT Jeff Otah: All-World Right Tackle and Generally-Badass-Mother-****er Jeff Otah was the key to a ground attack that conquered France and Belgium in three hours, and gained 377 yards per quarter against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He does have a weakness, though. At Pittsburgh, Otah sought refuge at the bottom of the bottle, trying to forget that his coach was the All Time ****up King, Dave Wannstedt. I have it on good authority that he's been ditching his AA meetings for the Sexaholics Anonymous meetings held just down the hall. I smell opportunity. And drippings of shame from an unsatisfied nymphomaniac. To me, they're one in the same.
3. Bribe Jake Delhomme: Delhomme, the son of a Cajun horse jockey, is a simple man. He is (probably) referred to by friends (maybe) as Simple Jake (ok, I just made that up). He's one of those folks the treacherous coward Nick Saban would refer to as a "coon @ss". Bribing him should be easy sport. Everyone who has seen him play front man in those Bojangles' commercials knows that Jake Delhomme has a single-minded mania for fried chicken. You can start there. If that doesn't work, offer him him a carton of undetectable designer horse steroids for the thoroughbreds that he and his family raise and race.
4. Run the ball at DT Ma'ake Kemoeatu: Do not confuse this with running the ball at the position in the defense now occupied by Ma'ake Kemoeatu's backup. I want the Dolphins to line up and run the ball right at that Tongan son of a *****, who will probably be on the sidelines in crutches after suffering a torn Achilles tendon in training camp. This would accomplish two aims. One is it would be a confidence boost to an interior offensive line which sorely needs to feel like it can have success against somebody, anybody. The second is it would completely demoralize the Carolina Panthers defense in advance of the regular season game the Dolphins play against them in November, reminding the Panthers that they are now the football equivalent of a testicular cancer survivor.
1. Have Brandon London insult Steve Smith's mother early: It is well known that Steve Smith hates two things in life, pretty boys and jokes about his momma. The biggest key to winning a meaningless contest with the Carolina Panthers is to get the Tazmanian Devil off the field as early as possible. You need to limit your exposure to his razor storm of lightning bolts and touchdowns, and the easiest way to accomplish this is to get him ejected. The Dolphins may have made a crucial error by releasing CB Eric Green before the game. He could insult Smith's mom, get his face broken in, and the Dolphins would still account it no great loss. Now they'll have to give up something of value, and that is Brandon London's modeling career. Take one for the team, Brandon, and you might stick around for Atlanta. Well, probably not. But Parcells might not sit on you if you cooperate. No, that's a lie too. Do it for America...and puppies.
2. Bring a case of Kettle One for OT Jeff Otah: All-World Right Tackle and Generally-Badass-Mother-****er Jeff Otah was the key to a ground attack that conquered France and Belgium in three hours, and gained 377 yards per quarter against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He does have a weakness, though. At Pittsburgh, Otah sought refuge at the bottom of the bottle, trying to forget that his coach was the All Time ****up King, Dave Wannstedt. I have it on good authority that he's been ditching his AA meetings for the Sexaholics Anonymous meetings held just down the hall. I smell opportunity. And drippings of shame from an unsatisfied nymphomaniac. To me, they're one in the same.
3. Bribe Jake Delhomme: Delhomme, the son of a Cajun horse jockey, is a simple man. He is (probably) referred to by friends (maybe) as Simple Jake (ok, I just made that up). He's one of those folks the treacherous coward Nick Saban would refer to as a "coon @ss". Bribing him should be easy sport. Everyone who has seen him play front man in those Bojangles' commercials knows that Jake Delhomme has a single-minded mania for fried chicken. You can start there. If that doesn't work, offer him him a carton of undetectable designer horse steroids for the thoroughbreds that he and his family raise and race.
4. Run the ball at DT Ma'ake Kemoeatu: Do not confuse this with running the ball at the position in the defense now occupied by Ma'ake Kemoeatu's backup. I want the Dolphins to line up and run the ball right at that Tongan son of a *****, who will probably be on the sidelines in crutches after suffering a torn Achilles tendon in training camp. This would accomplish two aims. One is it would be a confidence boost to an interior offensive line which sorely needs to feel like it can have success against somebody, anybody. The second is it would completely demoralize the Carolina Panthers defense in advance of the regular season game the Dolphins play against them in November, reminding the Panthers that they are now the football equivalent of a testicular cancer survivor.
