Silverphin
Chairman of the 'Owned! Awards' Commitee
Welcome [Insert Name Here],
Let me start off by saying congratulations. You have been selected to my favorite football team of all time: The Miami Dolphins. As you may know, we have a very distinguished history, especially considering we are the franchise to have the only undefeated season in National Football League history.
Now, keep in mind, there is a lot of things you should know: You're not considered a rookie in our eyes. Oh no. You are supposed to be the best at your position since [insert best player in our history relative to respective position]. It wouldn't have mattered if you were a long-snapper, you're supposed to do amazing things. In one game, you're supposed to post every (positive) stat possible.
You won't have as much leeway as our seventh, sixth, fourth, third, or even second round draft picks. Soon as you make your first mistake, you will run a very high risk of earning the title of bust. The three-year rule doesn't apply to you, neither do otherwise legitimate excuses, such a your receivers dropping passes, bad offensive line play, or coordinators who seem to think that the responsibilities of your position on the field is the opposite of what you're supposed to do. Somehow, when you hit the field, you're supposed to make the whole unit in firstballot Hall of Famers.
Unfortunately, if you make one mistake, like a dropped pass, one bad throw, or even get mugged by a cornerback, it is your fault. Some fans might come to your aid, but to no avail. You'll be the worst bust in NFL history since Ryan Leaf, despite the fact you hadn't even peeked over the hole that was Leaf's career.
But please, do not feel any pressure. You just have to at least be able to hold the jockstrap of Marino, Clayton, Duper, Webb, Stephenson, Oliver, Anderson, Scott, Griese, Briscoe, Csonka, Kiick, Morris, Roby, Nails, Thomas, Taylor, Madison, Surtain, Marion, and several other players.
But again, no worries.
Sincerely,
Silverphin.
Let me start off by saying congratulations. You have been selected to my favorite football team of all time: The Miami Dolphins. As you may know, we have a very distinguished history, especially considering we are the franchise to have the only undefeated season in National Football League history.
Now, keep in mind, there is a lot of things you should know: You're not considered a rookie in our eyes. Oh no. You are supposed to be the best at your position since [insert best player in our history relative to respective position]. It wouldn't have mattered if you were a long-snapper, you're supposed to do amazing things. In one game, you're supposed to post every (positive) stat possible.
You won't have as much leeway as our seventh, sixth, fourth, third, or even second round draft picks. Soon as you make your first mistake, you will run a very high risk of earning the title of bust. The three-year rule doesn't apply to you, neither do otherwise legitimate excuses, such a your receivers dropping passes, bad offensive line play, or coordinators who seem to think that the responsibilities of your position on the field is the opposite of what you're supposed to do. Somehow, when you hit the field, you're supposed to make the whole unit in firstballot Hall of Famers.
Unfortunately, if you make one mistake, like a dropped pass, one bad throw, or even get mugged by a cornerback, it is your fault. Some fans might come to your aid, but to no avail. You'll be the worst bust in NFL history since Ryan Leaf, despite the fact you hadn't even peeked over the hole that was Leaf's career.
But please, do not feel any pressure. You just have to at least be able to hold the jockstrap of Marino, Clayton, Duper, Webb, Stephenson, Oliver, Anderson, Scott, Griese, Briscoe, Csonka, Kiick, Morris, Roby, Nails, Thomas, Taylor, Madison, Surtain, Marion, and several other players.
But again, no worries.
Sincerely,
Silverphin.
