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Rebuild rankings: Who's in top shape for '17?
Twelve NFL teams have reached the playoffs, which means there are 20 who didn't. Odds are that your team didn't make it and are therefore you may be agnostic about whoever wins this year. We exist to fight agnosticism! The playoffs are more fun for everyone if they have a rooting interest: Every man's gotta have a cause.
So! It is time for your 2017 NFL Playoff Rootability Rankings. Here's your cheering guide for the unaffiliated. If you don't know which squad you should be pulling for, consult this cheat sheet.
12. New England Patriots. The Pats are gonna always show up last in these rankings, but it's worth noting that they're not quite as definitive a No. 12 as they have been years in the past. Sure, Bill Belichick will always be the representation of mortal evil, but if, say, you were an overcaffinated Hollywood movie star ranting and screaming on premium cable television about a massive NFL conspiracy against one of its game's legends because the other 31 owners have deep-seated antipathy toward the franchise he plays for, you might actually have a little bit of a point? Put it this way: If the Patriots win the Super Bowl and Tom Brady, upon receiving the Lombardi Trophy from Roger Goodell, did a profane, Affleck-tinged version of this rant:
… that would be pretty amazing, right? Not enough to cheer for the Patriots but, if it goes down like that, maybe not the worst consolation prize.
11. Dallas Cowboys. This is the most complicated, morally complex NFL Playoff Rootability Rankings we've ever done because, well … the Cowboys are not actually that unlikable!
Ezekiel Elliot -- off-field business aside -- is a treat to watch run, that offensive line is dominant in a way we rarely see in the NFL anymore, Dez Bryant has gone full babyface and, most of all, Dak Prescott is the sort of rookie quarterback breakout that has fueled this league for decades. If this team were wearing any helmets other than the Cowboys', they might the most likable team on this list.
But they are wearing Cowboys' helmets, and Jerry Jones is still the owner, and never forget that Jerry Jones did this.
Or, really, everything else that Jerry Jones has ever done. There's such a nice football story here. It's just a shame it's about the Cowboys.
10. New York Giants. This is a very accurate Tweet:
Eli Manning seems like an affable enough chap. Nice guy. Surprisingly normal, considering the life he has lived. But that dude is gonna be the guy with three Super Bowls titles? You really want Eli to become the fifth quarterback in NFL history -- along with Tom Brady, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana and Troy Aikman -- to win three championships? You can't really want this. If the Giants get hot again, and pull it off again, Manning will be a Hall of Famer despite a lower career passing rating than Sam Bradford, Jay Cutler and David Garrard. No thank you.
© Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown (84) during the fourth quarter of a game against the Baltimore Ravens at Heinz Field. Pittsburgh won 31-27. 9. Pittsburgh Steelers. It wouldn't feel like much of a breakthrough if the Steelers won their seventh championship, particularly when they would be doing it in the way it always seems like they're doing it: keeping their powder dry for most of the season and then getting hot just at the end. Not that it wouldn't be fun to see Terry Bradshaw interview Mike Tomlin on the FOX pregame show.
8. Houston Texans. Everyone has been maligning the AFC South all season, but it's worth noting that the division had three teams at .500 or better this year. The NFC West had just one. That said: Whose eyes don't glaze over when they see the Texans in the playoffs?
7. Detroit Lions. The Lions have one of the more tortured NFL fanbases -- No. 4 on last year's list -- and ordinarily they'd be the sort of team you'd get behind come playoff time. But this is a team that still hasn't beaten a winning team and just fumbled away the best opportunity it has had to win the NFC North in many, many years. If they win the Super Bowl, it would be such a fluke that it'd be difficult to even enjoy it; it would be as if everything had turned inside out overnight.
© AP Photo/Steven Senne, File Miami Dolphins head coach Adam Gase shouts from the sideline during the first half of an NFL football game against the New England Patriots in Foxborough, Mass. 6. Miami Dolphins. Sort of a goofy little playoff team, the Dolphins have the advantage of an energetic young coach -- Adam Gase is 38; you've wasted your life -- and quarterback Matt Moore. You had totally forgotten Moore was still in the league, didn't you? He had a little boomlet a half decade or so ago, back at the end of the Panthers days and the beginning of the Dolphins ones, but he had been forgotten until Ryan Tannehill's injury. I dunno, of all the backup quarterbacks playing in this postseason (and there are a lot of backup quarterbacks playing in this postseason), he's the one I find it easiest to get excited about it. A faded quarterback getting one last unexpected go-around. Good for him. (Though the Steelers might kill him.)
Sports on Earth
WTF goofy little playoff team.
Rebuild rankings: Who's in top shape for '17?Twelve NFL teams have reached the playoffs, which means there are 20 who didn't. Odds are that your team didn't make it and are therefore you may be agnostic about whoever wins this year. We exist to fight agnosticism! The playoffs are more fun for everyone if they have a rooting interest: Every man's gotta have a cause.
So! It is time for your 2017 NFL Playoff Rootability Rankings. Here's your cheering guide for the unaffiliated. If you don't know which squad you should be pulling for, consult this cheat sheet.
12. New England Patriots. The Pats are gonna always show up last in these rankings, but it's worth noting that they're not quite as definitive a No. 12 as they have been years in the past. Sure, Bill Belichick will always be the representation of mortal evil, but if, say, you were an overcaffinated Hollywood movie star ranting and screaming on premium cable television about a massive NFL conspiracy against one of its game's legends because the other 31 owners have deep-seated antipathy toward the franchise he plays for, you might actually have a little bit of a point? Put it this way: If the Patriots win the Super Bowl and Tom Brady, upon receiving the Lombardi Trophy from Roger Goodell, did a profane, Affleck-tinged version of this rant:
… that would be pretty amazing, right? Not enough to cheer for the Patriots but, if it goes down like that, maybe not the worst consolation prize.
11. Dallas Cowboys. This is the most complicated, morally complex NFL Playoff Rootability Rankings we've ever done because, well … the Cowboys are not actually that unlikable!
Ezekiel Elliot -- off-field business aside -- is a treat to watch run, that offensive line is dominant in a way we rarely see in the NFL anymore, Dez Bryant has gone full babyface and, most of all, Dak Prescott is the sort of rookie quarterback breakout that has fueled this league for decades. If this team were wearing any helmets other than the Cowboys', they might the most likable team on this list.
But they are wearing Cowboys' helmets, and Jerry Jones is still the owner, and never forget that Jerry Jones did this.
Or, really, everything else that Jerry Jones has ever done. There's such a nice football story here. It's just a shame it's about the Cowboys.
10. New York Giants. This is a very accurate Tweet:
Eli Manning seems like an affable enough chap. Nice guy. Surprisingly normal, considering the life he has lived. But that dude is gonna be the guy with three Super Bowls titles? You really want Eli to become the fifth quarterback in NFL history -- along with Tom Brady, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana and Troy Aikman -- to win three championships? You can't really want this. If the Giants get hot again, and pull it off again, Manning will be a Hall of Famer despite a lower career passing rating than Sam Bradford, Jay Cutler and David Garrard. No thank you.
8. Houston Texans. Everyone has been maligning the AFC South all season, but it's worth noting that the division had three teams at .500 or better this year. The NFC West had just one. That said: Whose eyes don't glaze over when they see the Texans in the playoffs?
7. Detroit Lions. The Lions have one of the more tortured NFL fanbases -- No. 4 on last year's list -- and ordinarily they'd be the sort of team you'd get behind come playoff time. But this is a team that still hasn't beaten a winning team and just fumbled away the best opportunity it has had to win the NFC North in many, many years. If they win the Super Bowl, it would be such a fluke that it'd be difficult to even enjoy it; it would be as if everything had turned inside out overnight.
Sports on Earth
WTF goofy little playoff team.