onemanswarm
Practice Squad
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2006
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- Age
- 47
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:
1. San Diego Chargers (14-2): A win over Arizona ensured that the road to Super Bowl XLI will go through San Diego. This is bad news for other AFC playoff teams because the Chargers defend their home with a brand of tenacity not seen since Kevin McCallister unleashed Buzz’s tarantula on the robbers.
2. Baltimore Ravens (13-3): Ravens’ general manager Ozzie Newsome was presented Monday with the Colonel John “Hannibal†Smith Award for Plan Come-Togetherness. Said Newsome, “On paper, it made sense to bring in an aging Steve McNair to lead an efficient, lackluster offense. In practice, it made just as much sense.†Newsome is also a finalist for the B.A. Baracus Award, which recognizes the significant connection between “two black guys from Alabama.â€Â
3. Chicago Bears (13-3): How could the Bears retain such a high ranking after a drubbing like the one they took from the Green Bay Packers? Easy. The game never happened. You may think it happened, but that’s only because I haven’t had time to finalize my failsafe box. I guess I could shave a couple minutes off my day by eating on the toilet.
4. New England Patriots (12-4): Last year, in Week 17, Bill Belichick sent Doug Flutie into the game to drop kick an extra point. This year, it was Vinnie Testaverde tossing a touchdown for the 20th consecutive season. At this very moment, handicappers in Vegas are calculating the odds that Belichick will find a way to get Jeff George an onside kick recovery as a member of the hands-team in Week 17 of the ’07 season. Seriously, how can you not love Bill Belichick? Unless of course you’re Old Man Shenocca.
5. Indianapolis Colts (12-4): In the Colts’ four losses, opponents rushed the football an average of 39 times for a scrotum-tightening 222 yards per game. Enter the dude who carried the ball an NFL record 416 times this season, and Indianapolis might be in trouble on Sunday. Then again, all four of the Colts’ losses have come on the road, so Indianapolis might be fine defending their home on Sunday. Looks like this game will have to be decided on the field, the place where athletes turn statistical analysis into so much toilet paper, metaphorically wiping away the feces of facts and figures. Metaphorically.
6. New Orleans Saints (10-6): What did it feel like to be Drew Brees on Sunday, waving to the New Orleans faithful as their MVP chants washed over him like the purifying waters of Lake Minnetonka? Did it feel better than the Heineken looter, ignoring the cries of the New Orleans downtrodden as he waded chest deep through the brackish waters of Lake Pontchartrain?
7. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6): Detroit delivered an unthinkable win over Dallas, prompting Andy Reid to yank his starters from the field faster than he yanks his comically tight snowsuit from the hall closet on a frigid game-day morning.
8. New York Jets (10-6): Win one game and you’re in the playoffs. Tough to imagine a rookie coach facing a more stressful situation than that. Win one game at home against an Art Shell-led Oakland Raiders team with Aaron Brooks under center and you’re in the playoffs. Tough to imagine a rookie coach sleeping any better than Mangini did on Saturday. Note: Most paid prognosticators picked the Jets to finish near the bottom of the NFL. After a rookie campaign in which he led his team to a 10-6 record and a playoff berth, I no longer feel comfortable referring to the Jets’ coach as Eric Mangina. Actually, that’s not true. I’m cool with it. But only because I like to picture him reviewing film alone in his office, then turning the camera on himself, and busting loose with a little Jame Gumb dance.
9. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7): It’s tough to know which side to take in the Green v. Huard debate. With eight starts apiece, Huard’s numbers are significantly better. But if Trent Green is the team leader, there is something to be said for the contributions that he might make in the huddle. Of course, the quarterback position will matter very little if Hairy Johnson brings his A-Game to Indy.
10. Dallas Cowboys (9-7): Nothing instills confidence like a home loss to the worst team of the decade after a solid week of “Our playoff run starts now†rhetoric. Incidentally, does anyone know whether T.O. still lives with that Kim Etheridge woman? What is a man of his statue doing with a woman who looks like James Earl Jones in Conan the Barbarian?
11. Seattle Seahawks (9-7): After an inspired victory over the brutally bad Bucs, Shalexander said that he would rather be the underdog than “the one that everybody is looking at.†Yeah, because that whole #1 seed, home field advantage thing really hurt Seattle last year. Athletes and politicians have a common ability to spin any circumstance into a personal advantage. The difference is athletes are smart enough to do it without the assistance of paid consultants.
12. Denver Broncos (9-7): The murder of Darrent Williams trumps any football related commentary on the Denver Broncos. The cynic in me knows that when a celebrity dies under circumstances like this, the media is saturated with positive observations about the person’s life. But even the most disparaging NFL consumer had to take stock of this quote, attributed to Broncos punter Paul Ernster: "Any time you lose a guy who was close to everyone, it hurts. From the get-go, he was like one of your good friends." If Williams even managed to win the affections of the team’s punter, he really must have been quite a guy.
13. New York Giants (8-8): Eli Manning is the Frank Stallone of football. If he can win a playoff game, he could move up as high as John Belushi. And a Super Bowl victory could elevate him to Charlie Sheen status.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8): I liked seeing the “We Have Not Forgotten†crowd signs at Paul Brown Stadium. Thanks to the Steelers, Bengal fans won’t soon forget how it feels to watch their chief rival come into their house and end their team’s season two years in a row. I’m guessing it’s similar to the sensation Frank Costanza experienced when he impaled himself on fusilli Jerry. It was a million-to-one shot, Doc!
15. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8): Crashed and burned, huh Mav? I mean, Marv?
16. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8): Choosing between the three Jaguar quarterbacks is like choosing between Kimberly Drummond, Mallory Keaton, and Carol Seaver. All three are capable of handling your balls, but none is going to do anything special with them. The Jags need to go out and find a Winnie Cooper.
17. Green Bay Packers (8-8): The Packers finished their season on a four-game winning streak and return a lot of their starters next year. But what about Brett Fav…ruh?
18. Tennessee Titans (8-8): The best thing to come out of the Titan’s remarkable season is the undeniable success of Vince Young, who added Offensive Rookie of the Year honors to his list of considerable football achievements. The best thing to come out of the undeniable success of Vince Young is the fact that it he metaphorically wiped himself with the Wonderlic Test. Metaphorically. And perhaps physically.
19. St. Louis Rams (8-8): I’m not sure that St. Louis deserves the Rams. St. Louis is a great baseball town and a very good hockey town with informed, knowledgeable fans. But from what I can tell, the preponderance of St. Louis football fans got hooked on the video game stylings of Mike Martz’ Greatest-Show-on-Turf offense, and do not have an appreciation for what Scott Linehan is going to bring to the table: a commitment to the ground game, and the blessings of God Almighty, which flow through Linehan’s brother-in-law, Jim Caviezel.
20. Carolina Panthers (8-8): If not for that men’s room run-in with Cam Neely, Lloyd Christmas may have been done sucking his thumb in time to lead the Panthers into the playoffs.
21. Atlanta Falcons (7-9): Jim Mora was not fired because of his record in December. He was not fired because Mike Vick is a coach killer. Jim Mora was fired because he went on a Seattle radio show in December and said that he would love to coach for his alma mater, the University of Washington. He told host Dave Mahler that, if offered, he would take the Huskies job even if Atlanta was in the midst of a playoff run. Mora claimed that he was joking, but the comments demonstrated a lack of discretion that is unacceptable for a head coach in the NFL. Whether the statement was genuine or in jest, Mora lost credibility in the minds of his players at a crucial point in their season. That is why Jim Mora got fired. That, and his rumored propensity for twirling his meat in the locker room after a victory.
22. Buffalo Bills (7-9): It would have been fitting for the Buffalo Bills to hire Eric Mangina instead of Dick Jauron. Would you hire me? I’d hire me. I’d hire me hard.
23. San Francisco 49ers (7-9): After his team upset the Denver Broncos, sending Kansas City to the post season in the process, 49ers head coach Mike Nolan stated that he wanted half of any bonus that Herm Edwards might receive for making the playoffs. Between this statement and his revival of the sideline suit, I think I might like Mike Nolan. I don’t like him, like him. But he seems cool. Don’t tell him I said that, ‘kay?
24. Miami Dolphins (6-10): Who will replace Nick Saban? Is Jason Taylor going to retire? Will the Dolphins look to retain their 22 free agents? The off-season is three days old and the Dolphins already have more balls in the air than the Jesse White Tumblers.
25. Minnesota Vikings (6-10): Following the Vikings’ tenth loss of the season, head coach Brad Childress stumbled upon the perfect metaphor for his rookie campaign, “It's like remodeling a house when you're in it. It's not comfortable, and the neighbors don't like looking at it with the family room knocked off. It's a little bit painful sometimes, a little bit uncomfortable sometimes.†Yeah, and sometimes you rely on a pus-armed contractor who’s too damn old to lead a crew, and by the time you switch to his inexperienced competitor, the electrical has already been crossed with the plumbing and your ceiling fan is painting the walls with your butt goblins.
26. Houston Texans (6-10): With a Defensive Rookie of the Year trophy headed to Houston, Mario Williams doesn’t look like such a poor choice after all. Wait, what’s a DeMeco?
27. Arizona Cardinals (5-11): Denny Green was fired by Arizona, but not before giving us one of the greatest post-game press conference meltdowns of all time. Thank you for waiting, Bill Bidwell. But now that we’ve got our sound byte, if you wanna can him, then CAN HIS ***!
28. Washington Redskins (5-11): You’ll have to investigate Sweeney Todd in order to find eleven men who got gashed that badly by a Barber.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12): I think that some of Pontiac Williams’ sophomore drop-off can be attributed to the loss of The Sans-Spleen Machine, but one more season like this and they’ll start calling Jon Gruden “Sucky,†or “Fff-uhhm…Sucky’s good.
30. Cleveland Browns (4-12): Since nothing about the Cleveland Browns warrants discussion, how about that Fiesta Bowl? To paraphrase Police Academy while adding a dash of Ali G, Boise State’s head coach has a set of brass balls as big as Lt. Callahan’s wicked babylons. The 4th down call in overtime was gutsy. The decision to go for 2-and-the-win was nutsy. And the pumpfake/backward-handoff play was just inspired. On the other hand, the Ian Johnson proposal to his cheerleader girlfriend had me convinced that I was watching Disney’s Remember the Titans II: Coeds in Idaho.
31. Detroit Lions (3-13): Matt Millen will never quit. And neither, therefore, will the soul-squeezing pain he inflicts upon Lions fans. At this point, I picture every remaining Lions fan as a unique instantiation of Bill Murray’s character from Little Shop of Horrors. I think I need a root canal. I definitely need a long, slow root canal.
32. Oakland Raiders (2-14): The Oakland Raiders scored 16 touchdowns this year. That’s less than half the number LaDomlinson accounted for all by himself. That is why San Diego is #1 and Oakland is #2. #2 in the potty-humor sense, that is. You know, mookie stinks?
1. San Diego Chargers (14-2): A win over Arizona ensured that the road to Super Bowl XLI will go through San Diego. This is bad news for other AFC playoff teams because the Chargers defend their home with a brand of tenacity not seen since Kevin McCallister unleashed Buzz’s tarantula on the robbers.
2. Baltimore Ravens (13-3): Ravens’ general manager Ozzie Newsome was presented Monday with the Colonel John “Hannibal†Smith Award for Plan Come-Togetherness. Said Newsome, “On paper, it made sense to bring in an aging Steve McNair to lead an efficient, lackluster offense. In practice, it made just as much sense.†Newsome is also a finalist for the B.A. Baracus Award, which recognizes the significant connection between “two black guys from Alabama.â€Â
3. Chicago Bears (13-3): How could the Bears retain such a high ranking after a drubbing like the one they took from the Green Bay Packers? Easy. The game never happened. You may think it happened, but that’s only because I haven’t had time to finalize my failsafe box. I guess I could shave a couple minutes off my day by eating on the toilet.
4. New England Patriots (12-4): Last year, in Week 17, Bill Belichick sent Doug Flutie into the game to drop kick an extra point. This year, it was Vinnie Testaverde tossing a touchdown for the 20th consecutive season. At this very moment, handicappers in Vegas are calculating the odds that Belichick will find a way to get Jeff George an onside kick recovery as a member of the hands-team in Week 17 of the ’07 season. Seriously, how can you not love Bill Belichick? Unless of course you’re Old Man Shenocca.
5. Indianapolis Colts (12-4): In the Colts’ four losses, opponents rushed the football an average of 39 times for a scrotum-tightening 222 yards per game. Enter the dude who carried the ball an NFL record 416 times this season, and Indianapolis might be in trouble on Sunday. Then again, all four of the Colts’ losses have come on the road, so Indianapolis might be fine defending their home on Sunday. Looks like this game will have to be decided on the field, the place where athletes turn statistical analysis into so much toilet paper, metaphorically wiping away the feces of facts and figures. Metaphorically.
6. New Orleans Saints (10-6): What did it feel like to be Drew Brees on Sunday, waving to the New Orleans faithful as their MVP chants washed over him like the purifying waters of Lake Minnetonka? Did it feel better than the Heineken looter, ignoring the cries of the New Orleans downtrodden as he waded chest deep through the brackish waters of Lake Pontchartrain?
7. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6): Detroit delivered an unthinkable win over Dallas, prompting Andy Reid to yank his starters from the field faster than he yanks his comically tight snowsuit from the hall closet on a frigid game-day morning.
8. New York Jets (10-6): Win one game and you’re in the playoffs. Tough to imagine a rookie coach facing a more stressful situation than that. Win one game at home against an Art Shell-led Oakland Raiders team with Aaron Brooks under center and you’re in the playoffs. Tough to imagine a rookie coach sleeping any better than Mangini did on Saturday. Note: Most paid prognosticators picked the Jets to finish near the bottom of the NFL. After a rookie campaign in which he led his team to a 10-6 record and a playoff berth, I no longer feel comfortable referring to the Jets’ coach as Eric Mangina. Actually, that’s not true. I’m cool with it. But only because I like to picture him reviewing film alone in his office, then turning the camera on himself, and busting loose with a little Jame Gumb dance.
9. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7): It’s tough to know which side to take in the Green v. Huard debate. With eight starts apiece, Huard’s numbers are significantly better. But if Trent Green is the team leader, there is something to be said for the contributions that he might make in the huddle. Of course, the quarterback position will matter very little if Hairy Johnson brings his A-Game to Indy.
10. Dallas Cowboys (9-7): Nothing instills confidence like a home loss to the worst team of the decade after a solid week of “Our playoff run starts now†rhetoric. Incidentally, does anyone know whether T.O. still lives with that Kim Etheridge woman? What is a man of his statue doing with a woman who looks like James Earl Jones in Conan the Barbarian?
11. Seattle Seahawks (9-7): After an inspired victory over the brutally bad Bucs, Shalexander said that he would rather be the underdog than “the one that everybody is looking at.†Yeah, because that whole #1 seed, home field advantage thing really hurt Seattle last year. Athletes and politicians have a common ability to spin any circumstance into a personal advantage. The difference is athletes are smart enough to do it without the assistance of paid consultants.
12. Denver Broncos (9-7): The murder of Darrent Williams trumps any football related commentary on the Denver Broncos. The cynic in me knows that when a celebrity dies under circumstances like this, the media is saturated with positive observations about the person’s life. But even the most disparaging NFL consumer had to take stock of this quote, attributed to Broncos punter Paul Ernster: "Any time you lose a guy who was close to everyone, it hurts. From the get-go, he was like one of your good friends." If Williams even managed to win the affections of the team’s punter, he really must have been quite a guy.
13. New York Giants (8-8): Eli Manning is the Frank Stallone of football. If he can win a playoff game, he could move up as high as John Belushi. And a Super Bowl victory could elevate him to Charlie Sheen status.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8): I liked seeing the “We Have Not Forgotten†crowd signs at Paul Brown Stadium. Thanks to the Steelers, Bengal fans won’t soon forget how it feels to watch their chief rival come into their house and end their team’s season two years in a row. I’m guessing it’s similar to the sensation Frank Costanza experienced when he impaled himself on fusilli Jerry. It was a million-to-one shot, Doc!
15. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8): Crashed and burned, huh Mav? I mean, Marv?
16. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8): Choosing between the three Jaguar quarterbacks is like choosing between Kimberly Drummond, Mallory Keaton, and Carol Seaver. All three are capable of handling your balls, but none is going to do anything special with them. The Jags need to go out and find a Winnie Cooper.
17. Green Bay Packers (8-8): The Packers finished their season on a four-game winning streak and return a lot of their starters next year. But what about Brett Fav…ruh?
18. Tennessee Titans (8-8): The best thing to come out of the Titan’s remarkable season is the undeniable success of Vince Young, who added Offensive Rookie of the Year honors to his list of considerable football achievements. The best thing to come out of the undeniable success of Vince Young is the fact that it he metaphorically wiped himself with the Wonderlic Test. Metaphorically. And perhaps physically.
19. St. Louis Rams (8-8): I’m not sure that St. Louis deserves the Rams. St. Louis is a great baseball town and a very good hockey town with informed, knowledgeable fans. But from what I can tell, the preponderance of St. Louis football fans got hooked on the video game stylings of Mike Martz’ Greatest-Show-on-Turf offense, and do not have an appreciation for what Scott Linehan is going to bring to the table: a commitment to the ground game, and the blessings of God Almighty, which flow through Linehan’s brother-in-law, Jim Caviezel.
20. Carolina Panthers (8-8): If not for that men’s room run-in with Cam Neely, Lloyd Christmas may have been done sucking his thumb in time to lead the Panthers into the playoffs.
21. Atlanta Falcons (7-9): Jim Mora was not fired because of his record in December. He was not fired because Mike Vick is a coach killer. Jim Mora was fired because he went on a Seattle radio show in December and said that he would love to coach for his alma mater, the University of Washington. He told host Dave Mahler that, if offered, he would take the Huskies job even if Atlanta was in the midst of a playoff run. Mora claimed that he was joking, but the comments demonstrated a lack of discretion that is unacceptable for a head coach in the NFL. Whether the statement was genuine or in jest, Mora lost credibility in the minds of his players at a crucial point in their season. That is why Jim Mora got fired. That, and his rumored propensity for twirling his meat in the locker room after a victory.
22. Buffalo Bills (7-9): It would have been fitting for the Buffalo Bills to hire Eric Mangina instead of Dick Jauron. Would you hire me? I’d hire me. I’d hire me hard.
23. San Francisco 49ers (7-9): After his team upset the Denver Broncos, sending Kansas City to the post season in the process, 49ers head coach Mike Nolan stated that he wanted half of any bonus that Herm Edwards might receive for making the playoffs. Between this statement and his revival of the sideline suit, I think I might like Mike Nolan. I don’t like him, like him. But he seems cool. Don’t tell him I said that, ‘kay?
24. Miami Dolphins (6-10): Who will replace Nick Saban? Is Jason Taylor going to retire? Will the Dolphins look to retain their 22 free agents? The off-season is three days old and the Dolphins already have more balls in the air than the Jesse White Tumblers.
25. Minnesota Vikings (6-10): Following the Vikings’ tenth loss of the season, head coach Brad Childress stumbled upon the perfect metaphor for his rookie campaign, “It's like remodeling a house when you're in it. It's not comfortable, and the neighbors don't like looking at it with the family room knocked off. It's a little bit painful sometimes, a little bit uncomfortable sometimes.†Yeah, and sometimes you rely on a pus-armed contractor who’s too damn old to lead a crew, and by the time you switch to his inexperienced competitor, the electrical has already been crossed with the plumbing and your ceiling fan is painting the walls with your butt goblins.
26. Houston Texans (6-10): With a Defensive Rookie of the Year trophy headed to Houston, Mario Williams doesn’t look like such a poor choice after all. Wait, what’s a DeMeco?
27. Arizona Cardinals (5-11): Denny Green was fired by Arizona, but not before giving us one of the greatest post-game press conference meltdowns of all time. Thank you for waiting, Bill Bidwell. But now that we’ve got our sound byte, if you wanna can him, then CAN HIS ***!
28. Washington Redskins (5-11): You’ll have to investigate Sweeney Todd in order to find eleven men who got gashed that badly by a Barber.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12): I think that some of Pontiac Williams’ sophomore drop-off can be attributed to the loss of The Sans-Spleen Machine, but one more season like this and they’ll start calling Jon Gruden “Sucky,†or “Fff-uhhm…Sucky’s good.
30. Cleveland Browns (4-12): Since nothing about the Cleveland Browns warrants discussion, how about that Fiesta Bowl? To paraphrase Police Academy while adding a dash of Ali G, Boise State’s head coach has a set of brass balls as big as Lt. Callahan’s wicked babylons. The 4th down call in overtime was gutsy. The decision to go for 2-and-the-win was nutsy. And the pumpfake/backward-handoff play was just inspired. On the other hand, the Ian Johnson proposal to his cheerleader girlfriend had me convinced that I was watching Disney’s Remember the Titans II: Coeds in Idaho.
31. Detroit Lions (3-13): Matt Millen will never quit. And neither, therefore, will the soul-squeezing pain he inflicts upon Lions fans. At this point, I picture every remaining Lions fan as a unique instantiation of Bill Murray’s character from Little Shop of Horrors. I think I need a root canal. I definitely need a long, slow root canal.
32. Oakland Raiders (2-14): The Oakland Raiders scored 16 touchdowns this year. That’s less than half the number LaDomlinson accounted for all by himself. That is why San Diego is #1 and Oakland is #2. #2 in the potty-humor sense, that is. You know, mookie stinks?
