Silverphin
Chairman of the 'Owned! Awards' Commitee
Disclaimer: This is merely humor on my part. Don't take it seriously... except for certain parts. I'll even take shots at the players I like.
I never got a chance to tell you guys this story. It happened around Christmas Eve night.
I was eating at a friend's house. It was going great until all of a sudden, time stopped.
So me being me, I was like "What the ****?"
Then Santa Claus came in. He looked exactly what I thought he would look like. So me being me, I asked two things....
A). Where's the hell my Nintendo Wii
B). What are you doing here...
I'm just kidding. I would never say question A!
But moving on, this is what he said.
"Silverphin, I need your help. I got gifts for everyone on the list.... Except for the Miami Dolphins. And you being a Phin fan, I think you would know what's best."
"So why didn't you get someone like CKParrothead?"
"If I wanted CKParrothead to list all the things the Dolphin's need, I would of flew by his house in October. And you know the Dolphin's need a lot of things."
So me being, I made a whole list. And I made a list of a whole lot of gifts.
So here is what I got the Miami Dolphins:
Mike Mularkey: I got him the best book anyone could ever buy him.
I even highlighted certain sections of the book he needs to read.
Like the runningback/fullback section.
Chris Chambers: I got him three things. The main gift is a regular quarterback. But just in case that he doesn't improve in result of the gift, I got him some hand glue and an NFL agreement allowing a football to be illuminated by LED lights.
Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas: An eternal youth formula. 'Nuff said. Matter of fact, I need to give that gift to the whole D-line.
The Miami Secondary: Jay Fiedler's favorite receiver, Nate Clements. The only thing I ever want to see from Buffalo. Now let's hope he permanently debunks the trend of players from Buffalo biting us in the ***. (Sammy Morris temporarily debunked it until Mularkey came along).
Channing Crowder: A device that slows down time. That way everybody can know what he is saying without using Tivo.
Nick Saban: A gag order on 'Bama. Hell, give me that gift, too.
Randy McMichael/Starting QB (hopefully Culpepper): A consistent O-line. Well, I think Ronnie Brown needs that gift, too. Speaking of Ronnie Brown....
Ronnie Brown: An offensive coordinator that realizes what a running back is and recognizes that Ronnie Brown is not a quarterback.
Darian Barnes: An offensive coordinator that knows that there is such thing as a full back. And a superhero costume.
Matt Roth: A contract to be Diddy's background dancer.
Marcus Vick: A fake Birth Certificate. That way whenever Mike Vick does something stupid again, he can act like he is not related.
Daunte Culpepper: A highlight of Ben Rothlisberger(sp?). That wat he can smile and say "At least the difference between my TD total and INT total is only one". Oh, and a blowup Steve Young punching bag.
Olindo Mare: A PS3 built into his body. That way, whenever he kicks, a player can control his kick power and accuracy a la Madden.
And that my friends, is my Christmas story.
I never got a chance to tell you guys this story. It happened around Christmas Eve night.
I was eating at a friend's house. It was going great until all of a sudden, time stopped.
So me being me, I was like "What the ****?"
Then Santa Claus came in. He looked exactly what I thought he would look like. So me being me, I asked two things....
A). Where's the hell my Nintendo Wii
B). What are you doing here...
I'm just kidding. I would never say question A!
But moving on, this is what he said.
"Silverphin, I need your help. I got gifts for everyone on the list.... Except for the Miami Dolphins. And you being a Phin fan, I think you would know what's best."
"So why didn't you get someone like CKParrothead?"
"If I wanted CKParrothead to list all the things the Dolphin's need, I would of flew by his house in October. And you know the Dolphin's need a lot of things."
So me being, I made a whole list. And I made a list of a whole lot of gifts.
So here is what I got the Miami Dolphins:
Mike Mularkey: I got him the best book anyone could ever buy him.
I even highlighted certain sections of the book he needs to read.
Like the runningback/fullback section.
Chris Chambers: I got him three things. The main gift is a regular quarterback. But just in case that he doesn't improve in result of the gift, I got him some hand glue and an NFL agreement allowing a football to be illuminated by LED lights.
Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas: An eternal youth formula. 'Nuff said. Matter of fact, I need to give that gift to the whole D-line.
The Miami Secondary: Jay Fiedler's favorite receiver, Nate Clements. The only thing I ever want to see from Buffalo. Now let's hope he permanently debunks the trend of players from Buffalo biting us in the ***. (Sammy Morris temporarily debunked it until Mularkey came along).
Channing Crowder: A device that slows down time. That way everybody can know what he is saying without using Tivo.
Nick Saban: A gag order on 'Bama. Hell, give me that gift, too.
Randy McMichael/Starting QB (hopefully Culpepper): A consistent O-line. Well, I think Ronnie Brown needs that gift, too. Speaking of Ronnie Brown....
Ronnie Brown: An offensive coordinator that realizes what a running back is and recognizes that Ronnie Brown is not a quarterback.
Darian Barnes: An offensive coordinator that knows that there is such thing as a full back. And a superhero costume.
Matt Roth: A contract to be Diddy's background dancer.
Marcus Vick: A fake Birth Certificate. That way whenever Mike Vick does something stupid again, he can act like he is not related.
Daunte Culpepper: A highlight of Ben Rothlisberger(sp?). That wat he can smile and say "At least the difference between my TD total and INT total is only one". Oh, and a blowup Steve Young punching bag.
Olindo Mare: A PS3 built into his body. That way, whenever he kicks, a player can control his kick power and accuracy a la Madden.
And that my friends, is my Christmas story.
