The Onion NFL Preview

[FSU Truth]

Dolphins Strategy: "Hope the other team ****s up"

Dolphins

Strengths: Blowout games less depressing in balmy high-70s afternoon; Emotional abuse

Weakness: Locker room lacks championship-caliber enforcer

Key Player: Third-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill incredibly adept at controlling tempo of Dolphins’ three-and-out drives

Roster: Strong nucleus of loathsome ****heads to build around

Team Chemistry: Dolphins locker room will return to normalcy after departure of troublemaker Jonathan Martin

Management Goal: Move franchise to new stadium away from current strip mall location

Offensive Strategy: Hope the other team ****s up

Fun Fact: Dolphins only franchise to have ever played perfect season through to Super Bowl win, something rarely mentioned by players from that team

OSN Analysis: Expect the Dolphins to get off to incredibly quick start to looking ahead to next season

Patriots

Strength: Is the AFC East team that has its **** together

Weaknesses: Concept of “The Patriot Way” might possibly be meaningless cover to obscure years of rampant cheating; Team still using incredibly outdated schemes based on opponents’ 2009 playbooks

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

Key Witnesses: Bill Belichick, former tight ends coach Brian Ferentz, everyone at the Cure Lounge during the early morning hours of July 16, 2012

Key Offseason Acquisition: Darrelle Revis is expected to thrive under Belichick once fully recovered from his oath of fealty ceremony

Goal: Engender hatred amongst country’s remaining 200 holdouts

http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2014-nfl-preview-afc-east,36817/

 

[JCane]

 

[Gonzo]

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

 

[FSU Truth]

Strengths: Emotional abuse

I read it 4 times and it still makes me laugh