Associated Press
BOSTON -- Palooka County authorities today announced that New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady has been successfully reunited with his wallet, ending a fifteen hour stand-off for the two-time Super Bowl MVP.
"It was [an] absolute nightmare", said Brady, who had reportedly demanded an FBI Investigation into the matter. "I -- I just don't know what would've happened if the two of us weren't reunited. I mean my life is in that wallet. All thirty five million of it."
The wallet was recovered and turned into county officials by an unnamed civilian who had this to say - "Damn, that [wallet] was big son. I mean, real big. Like Texas double chilli cheese burger big, with hot sauce. Once I found it, I knew it was pretty boy's [ Brady's] because it's the only damn thing in this state bigger than his head".
The unnamed civilian was rewarded with a game-used jock strap Brady had worn the day before against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "I don't want this [expletive], the source said. "That's some queer [expletive], I'm a Dolphins fan, we don't go down like that".
The five metaphors were not available for contact, but a source close to the Patriots organization reports that they were not in the wallet at the time of the misplacement". CBS Sportsline reporter Pete Prisco has confirmed this comment. "It's impossible. I was with three of them at the time of the incident. We were.....actually, no -- edit that out, please", said Prisco, the five-time Duntz of the Year award winner.
Okay...so at least I assume that's how it went down
