onemanswarm
Practice Squad
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2006
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- Age
- 47
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:
1. Indianapolis Colts (10-1): A workmanlike dismantling of Philadelphia was exactly how the Colts were expected to rebound from their first loss of the season, and they did not disappoint. The main storyline from this game was the coming out party of Joseph Addai, which was considered to be quite rude because November 26 had already been reserved for the coming out party of Elijah Wood. While the addition of a formidable running game would certainly make the Colts appear even tougher, they cannot be considered unbeatable until they prove that they can stop the run. Their defense continues to get gashed by running backs, which reminds me: Kudos to Judith Regan and Rupert Murdoch for their decision to cancel the O.J. Simpson book and television special. However, the shower predicts that Judith, Rupert, and O.J. will meet again
2. Baltimore Ravens (9-2): It pains me to rank this team as high as number two, because I have contended from the start that the Ravens were pretenders. That they were getting lucky week after week. That by the time the playoffs got into full swing, Brian Billick would be joining the broadcast booth, Steve McNair would be loading up his tackle box, and Jamal Lewis would be chiefing like a college freshman after finals. Well, I am officially and begrudgingly backing Baltimore, a fact which may very well lead to three consecutive losses.
3. San Diego Chargers (9-2): It may have been close. It may have been Oakland. But a win is a win. Now, we turn to this week’s edition of “The GM Corner,†where we write revisionist history for various league transactions. Today’s question: Who would you rather build an NFL team around, Michael Vick or LaDanian Tomlinson? Join us again next week when we debate the virtues of Eli Manning v. the combined value of Ph-Riv, Shawne Merriman, Roman Oben, and Nate Kaeding.
4. New England Patriots (8-3): A satisfying win over Chicago, but what’s the deal with all the fumbles? The last time a tight end gave it up that many times in a night, Mark Chmura was involved.
5. Chicago Bears (9-2): Opponents are consistently bringing more pass rushers than the Bears can block, and people all over Chicago are learning about the dangers of having unprotected Rex.
6. Dallas Cowboys (7-4): That was the biggest Thanksgiving blowout since the year my Uncle Gino found out he had IBS.
7. Seattle Seahawks (7-4): Shaun Alexander played like the contract year Shaun Alexander, Speaking of Shanahan…
8. Denver Broncos (7-4): I think it was time for Jake Plummer to get the hook. For the last three weeks, the poor guy has been looking over his shoulder more than Leonardo DiCaprio in the last 45 minutes of The Departed. What is it like when a coach makes the move to switch quarterbacks mid-season? Do you think Shanahan gave Jay Cutler the James Tolkan treatment from Top Gun. “Plummer was number one, you were number two. Plummer lost it. Turned in his wings. Now you are number one. And if you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog **** out of Hong Kong!â€Â
9. New Orleans Saints (7-4): Another Herculean effort from Drew Brees, but this week he avoided the turnovers and the Saints came away with a big divisional road win. And just when you thought the loss of Marques Colston might hurt wide receiver production, Devery Henderson has consecutive 160 yard efforts. Now, we turn to this week’s edition of “The GM Corner,†where we write revisionist history for various league transactions. Today’s question: Which receiving core did you project to be the most productive in 2006, Marques Colston and Devery Henderson, or Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, and Mike Williams? Join us again next week when we discuss Matt Millen’s fellatio skills and the significant role that the Shanghai Technique plays in his job security.
10. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4): Since returning to the lineup, Trent Green has thrown for a combined 263 yards, 0 TD, and 1 INT. Yet, KC has gone 2-0 in that stretch precisely because Larry Johnson has enormous genitals. At least, he is playing like he does. And due to that fact, I move that we immediately commence calling Larry Johnson ‘Hairy Johnson,’ because of his ability to penetrate holes along the line, plow through opposing secondaries, and score with or without opponent consent. If H.J. can maintain his current level of production, the Chiefs will continue to shoot hot ropes of victory from the barrel of their metaphorical yogurt pistol.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (6-5): Just when you thought the Bengals were tranquilized and ready to have their ears tagged so that we could track their many off-season transgressions, they rattle off two impressive road wins and find themselves right back in the mix. That sets the stage for a huge showdown (cue Electric Light Orchestra) when they return home to host the Baltimore Ravens. “Headin’ for a SHOW DAUUWWN!†Unfortunately, this particular showdown will be viewed by exactly eighty-three people, as it will be shown exclusively on the NFL network. “Poorly-rated SHOWDAUUWWN!â€Â
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5): If Byron Leftwich continues to assert that he is healthy and able to play, how long will it be before Jack Del Rio starts thinking like Chazz Palminteri in Bullets Over Broadway?
13. Carolina Panthers (6-5): As a Bear fan, I breathe just a little easier following every Carolina loss. There are better teams in the NFC, but perhaps no better individual player than Steve Smith. If Jake Delhomme would forego the Lloyd Christmas haircut, the Panthers might be the most intimidating team in the league.
14. New York Jets (6-5): How impressive is this Jets team? Of particularly note is the job being done on the field by Chad Pennington along with the off-the-field work of Eric Mangina. Remember, this team was picked by a lot of experts to finish last in the league. And yet, if the Bears had managed to throw to someone other than Asante Samuel on Sunday, the Jets might find themselves a mere game behind the division-leading Patriots.
15. New York Giants (6-5): Where are the comments from Tiki and Shockey? Was this a case of the Giants being outcoached so clearly and thoroughly that the team didn’t even feel the need to point this out to the media? Incidentally, I hope that we have not heard the last about the Mathias Kiwanuka sack-that-became-a-4th-and-10-conversion play. This league needs to find a balance between protecting the quarterback and fostering defensive aggression. Maybe the NFL should start by testing for HGH? Nah. Anyway, the loss sets the stage for a huge showdown when Dallas comes to the Meadowlands on Sunday. E.L.O.? “Tuna-Coughlin SHOWDAUUWWN!â€Â
16. St. Louis Rams (5-6): 1-5 in your last 6 games is a lot better than 0-6. Not really.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-6): Was there anyone more thankful than Joey Harrington on Thursday? Was there anyone less thankful than the 40,000 Lions fans who decided to spend their holiday watching their much-maligned former quarterback scorch their secondary to the tune of 213 yards and 3 touchdowns? Miami has won 4 in-a-row and still finds itself at the bottom of the AFC East. If they played in the NFC North or NFC West, they would be tied for second place. The scary thing is that the AFC is deep enough that the Dolphins could run the table, finish 10-6, and still miss the playoffs. I’m telling you, the Cubs need Nick Saban. This guy really knows how to alternate between building and crushing hope, the very foundation of the Cubs’ storied franchise.
18. San Francisco 49ers (5-6): If Frank Gore doesn’t go out with an injured ankle (I refuse to say “out with an ankle.â€Â), San Francisco probably puts this game away with a touchdown on their final possession, leaving them a game out of first place in the aforementioned NFC West. This is because the NFC is bad. Oh, and Coach Nolan… love your suit.
19. Minnesota Vikings (5-6): The 5-6 Minnesota Vikings are just two games out of wild card contention. Did I mention that the NFC is bad? Still, that should not take away from a quality win over a resurgent Arizona Cardinals football team in search of consecutive wins for the first time since…well, the Arizona Cardinals football team. Uncle Rico passed for 271 and 3 TDs, while managing to throw a pigskin over the mountain that is Darnell Dockett.
20. Atlanta Falcons (5-6): Mike, flipping your dirty birds isn’t going to quiet the boo birds. Oh, and running for twice as many yards as you pass for isn’t going to beat many teams. Granted, your receivers didn’t help your cause with all the drops, but it’s possible that their skills will continue to erode if they get no more than 2 touches a game. 9/24 is an off night for an NBA star. It’s a horrible week for an NFL quarterback, and it’s becoming par for Ron Mexico’s course.
21. Buffalo Bills (5-6): Willis McGahee didn’t get many touches, but he sure did make the most of them. Averaging 5.25 yards on 12 carries with 2 touchdowns is just plain getting it done. If there was a ball carrier rating, this would be in the 100 range. It’s no Hairy Johnson performance, but it was good enough to give the Jaguars another tough loss. Roscoe P. Coltrane chipped in with an 82-yard punt return for a touchdown. Hot pursuit!
22. Green Bay Packers (4-7): Brett Favre is just 10 touchdown passes away from tying Dan Marino’s record at 420 (cough). If he averages just one touchdown pass per game, he will have shattered Marino’s record by the time he retires in 2018.
23. Tennessee Titans (4-7): The thrilling comeback against the Giants represented a career game for both Vince Young and Adam “Pacman†Jones. In a postgame press conference, Young stated that the game was “a sneak peek of what's to happen. Not just me, but this team in general.†Pacman Jones opted not to speak with the press, choosing instead to spit in the face of the nearest woman.
24. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6): Jeff Garcia looked remarkably crisp before leaving with a strained forearm. He said after the game that it felt good to get his hands back under center and that he expected to be ready to play next week. “I’ll be ready come Monday night. I’m going to spend all week working out the forearm while I watch film on the Panthers,†said Garcia. Garcia did not actually say that and may not, in fact, be gay.
25. Washington Redskins (4-7): The Redskins won. More importantly, the Panthers lost. Did I mention that Jake Delhomme looks like Lloyd Christmas?
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-7): Ouch.
27. Houston Texans (3-8): David Carr passed for 321 yards, but the Texans managed just 25 yards on the ground and punter Chad Stanley showed the ball handling skills of Charles Stanley. You know, Charles Stanley. The evangelist? He’s the guy who looks like Orville Redenbacher but has a voice that would make Shadoe Stevens weep in shame? Ugh. You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Alright, let me try to rework this. David Carr passed for 321 yards, but the Texans managed just 25 yards on the ground and punter Chad Stanley looked more like Chad Lowe, as he appeared to be estranged from his snapper. Better? Maybe you oughtta put down the US Weekly and get you some churchin’.
28. Cleveland Browns (3-8): The 2006 Cleveland Browns are pleased to present the Word of the Day: somniferous. Somniferous [som-nif-er-uh s] (adj): bringing or inducing sleep, as drugs or influences. E.g., I find the style of football played by the 2006 Cleveland Browns to be somniferous.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-8): B-Gradkow threw for a paltry 120 yards and Carnell “Pontiac†Williams rushed for 78 more as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers fell to 3-8 following a Thanksgiving Day loss to, oh who the hell cares?
30. Oakland Raiders (2-9): Aaron Brooks returned to lead a rejuvenated Oakland Raiders offense to a stunning near upset over the San Diego Chargers. Oakland actually led this game after three quarters and ultimately lost by only seven points, representing one of their most impressive defeats of the 2006 season. “I think this team is really starting to come into its own and learn how to lose consistently and respectfully,†a boastful Art Shell may not have said after the game.
31. Arizona Cardinals (2-9): One week after their triumphant Toilet Bowl XLI victory over the Lions, the Arizona Cardinals got back to basics in losing 31-26 to the Vikings. The game featured a breakout performance from Edgerrin James who rushed for 15 yards on just four carries. This represented a significant improvement over the 3.06 yards per carry average he brought into the game.
32. Detroit Lions (2-9): Are fans allowed to bring mustachioed effigies into Ford Field?
1. Indianapolis Colts (10-1): A workmanlike dismantling of Philadelphia was exactly how the Colts were expected to rebound from their first loss of the season, and they did not disappoint. The main storyline from this game was the coming out party of Joseph Addai, which was considered to be quite rude because November 26 had already been reserved for the coming out party of Elijah Wood. While the addition of a formidable running game would certainly make the Colts appear even tougher, they cannot be considered unbeatable until they prove that they can stop the run. Their defense continues to get gashed by running backs, which reminds me: Kudos to Judith Regan and Rupert Murdoch for their decision to cancel the O.J. Simpson book and television special. However, the shower predicts that Judith, Rupert, and O.J. will meet again
2. Baltimore Ravens (9-2): It pains me to rank this team as high as number two, because I have contended from the start that the Ravens were pretenders. That they were getting lucky week after week. That by the time the playoffs got into full swing, Brian Billick would be joining the broadcast booth, Steve McNair would be loading up his tackle box, and Jamal Lewis would be chiefing like a college freshman after finals. Well, I am officially and begrudgingly backing Baltimore, a fact which may very well lead to three consecutive losses.
3. San Diego Chargers (9-2): It may have been close. It may have been Oakland. But a win is a win. Now, we turn to this week’s edition of “The GM Corner,†where we write revisionist history for various league transactions. Today’s question: Who would you rather build an NFL team around, Michael Vick or LaDanian Tomlinson? Join us again next week when we debate the virtues of Eli Manning v. the combined value of Ph-Riv, Shawne Merriman, Roman Oben, and Nate Kaeding.
4. New England Patriots (8-3): A satisfying win over Chicago, but what’s the deal with all the fumbles? The last time a tight end gave it up that many times in a night, Mark Chmura was involved.
5. Chicago Bears (9-2): Opponents are consistently bringing more pass rushers than the Bears can block, and people all over Chicago are learning about the dangers of having unprotected Rex.
6. Dallas Cowboys (7-4): That was the biggest Thanksgiving blowout since the year my Uncle Gino found out he had IBS.
7. Seattle Seahawks (7-4): Shaun Alexander played like the contract year Shaun Alexander, Speaking of Shanahan…
8. Denver Broncos (7-4): I think it was time for Jake Plummer to get the hook. For the last three weeks, the poor guy has been looking over his shoulder more than Leonardo DiCaprio in the last 45 minutes of The Departed. What is it like when a coach makes the move to switch quarterbacks mid-season? Do you think Shanahan gave Jay Cutler the James Tolkan treatment from Top Gun. “Plummer was number one, you were number two. Plummer lost it. Turned in his wings. Now you are number one. And if you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog **** out of Hong Kong!â€Â
9. New Orleans Saints (7-4): Another Herculean effort from Drew Brees, but this week he avoided the turnovers and the Saints came away with a big divisional road win. And just when you thought the loss of Marques Colston might hurt wide receiver production, Devery Henderson has consecutive 160 yard efforts. Now, we turn to this week’s edition of “The GM Corner,†where we write revisionist history for various league transactions. Today’s question: Which receiving core did you project to be the most productive in 2006, Marques Colston and Devery Henderson, or Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, and Mike Williams? Join us again next week when we discuss Matt Millen’s fellatio skills and the significant role that the Shanghai Technique plays in his job security.
10. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4): Since returning to the lineup, Trent Green has thrown for a combined 263 yards, 0 TD, and 1 INT. Yet, KC has gone 2-0 in that stretch precisely because Larry Johnson has enormous genitals. At least, he is playing like he does. And due to that fact, I move that we immediately commence calling Larry Johnson ‘Hairy Johnson,’ because of his ability to penetrate holes along the line, plow through opposing secondaries, and score with or without opponent consent. If H.J. can maintain his current level of production, the Chiefs will continue to shoot hot ropes of victory from the barrel of their metaphorical yogurt pistol.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (6-5): Just when you thought the Bengals were tranquilized and ready to have their ears tagged so that we could track their many off-season transgressions, they rattle off two impressive road wins and find themselves right back in the mix. That sets the stage for a huge showdown (cue Electric Light Orchestra) when they return home to host the Baltimore Ravens. “Headin’ for a SHOW DAUUWWN!†Unfortunately, this particular showdown will be viewed by exactly eighty-three people, as it will be shown exclusively on the NFL network. “Poorly-rated SHOWDAUUWWN!â€Â
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5): If Byron Leftwich continues to assert that he is healthy and able to play, how long will it be before Jack Del Rio starts thinking like Chazz Palminteri in Bullets Over Broadway?
13. Carolina Panthers (6-5): As a Bear fan, I breathe just a little easier following every Carolina loss. There are better teams in the NFC, but perhaps no better individual player than Steve Smith. If Jake Delhomme would forego the Lloyd Christmas haircut, the Panthers might be the most intimidating team in the league.
14. New York Jets (6-5): How impressive is this Jets team? Of particularly note is the job being done on the field by Chad Pennington along with the off-the-field work of Eric Mangina. Remember, this team was picked by a lot of experts to finish last in the league. And yet, if the Bears had managed to throw to someone other than Asante Samuel on Sunday, the Jets might find themselves a mere game behind the division-leading Patriots.
15. New York Giants (6-5): Where are the comments from Tiki and Shockey? Was this a case of the Giants being outcoached so clearly and thoroughly that the team didn’t even feel the need to point this out to the media? Incidentally, I hope that we have not heard the last about the Mathias Kiwanuka sack-that-became-a-4th-and-10-conversion play. This league needs to find a balance between protecting the quarterback and fostering defensive aggression. Maybe the NFL should start by testing for HGH? Nah. Anyway, the loss sets the stage for a huge showdown when Dallas comes to the Meadowlands on Sunday. E.L.O.? “Tuna-Coughlin SHOWDAUUWWN!â€Â
16. St. Louis Rams (5-6): 1-5 in your last 6 games is a lot better than 0-6. Not really.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-6): Was there anyone more thankful than Joey Harrington on Thursday? Was there anyone less thankful than the 40,000 Lions fans who decided to spend their holiday watching their much-maligned former quarterback scorch their secondary to the tune of 213 yards and 3 touchdowns? Miami has won 4 in-a-row and still finds itself at the bottom of the AFC East. If they played in the NFC North or NFC West, they would be tied for second place. The scary thing is that the AFC is deep enough that the Dolphins could run the table, finish 10-6, and still miss the playoffs. I’m telling you, the Cubs need Nick Saban. This guy really knows how to alternate between building and crushing hope, the very foundation of the Cubs’ storied franchise.
18. San Francisco 49ers (5-6): If Frank Gore doesn’t go out with an injured ankle (I refuse to say “out with an ankle.â€Â), San Francisco probably puts this game away with a touchdown on their final possession, leaving them a game out of first place in the aforementioned NFC West. This is because the NFC is bad. Oh, and Coach Nolan… love your suit.
19. Minnesota Vikings (5-6): The 5-6 Minnesota Vikings are just two games out of wild card contention. Did I mention that the NFC is bad? Still, that should not take away from a quality win over a resurgent Arizona Cardinals football team in search of consecutive wins for the first time since…well, the Arizona Cardinals football team. Uncle Rico passed for 271 and 3 TDs, while managing to throw a pigskin over the mountain that is Darnell Dockett.
20. Atlanta Falcons (5-6): Mike, flipping your dirty birds isn’t going to quiet the boo birds. Oh, and running for twice as many yards as you pass for isn’t going to beat many teams. Granted, your receivers didn’t help your cause with all the drops, but it’s possible that their skills will continue to erode if they get no more than 2 touches a game. 9/24 is an off night for an NBA star. It’s a horrible week for an NFL quarterback, and it’s becoming par for Ron Mexico’s course.
21. Buffalo Bills (5-6): Willis McGahee didn’t get many touches, but he sure did make the most of them. Averaging 5.25 yards on 12 carries with 2 touchdowns is just plain getting it done. If there was a ball carrier rating, this would be in the 100 range. It’s no Hairy Johnson performance, but it was good enough to give the Jaguars another tough loss. Roscoe P. Coltrane chipped in with an 82-yard punt return for a touchdown. Hot pursuit!
22. Green Bay Packers (4-7): Brett Favre is just 10 touchdown passes away from tying Dan Marino’s record at 420 (cough). If he averages just one touchdown pass per game, he will have shattered Marino’s record by the time he retires in 2018.
23. Tennessee Titans (4-7): The thrilling comeback against the Giants represented a career game for both Vince Young and Adam “Pacman†Jones. In a postgame press conference, Young stated that the game was “a sneak peek of what's to happen. Not just me, but this team in general.†Pacman Jones opted not to speak with the press, choosing instead to spit in the face of the nearest woman.
24. Philadelphia Eagles (5-6): Jeff Garcia looked remarkably crisp before leaving with a strained forearm. He said after the game that it felt good to get his hands back under center and that he expected to be ready to play next week. “I’ll be ready come Monday night. I’m going to spend all week working out the forearm while I watch film on the Panthers,†said Garcia. Garcia did not actually say that and may not, in fact, be gay.
25. Washington Redskins (4-7): The Redskins won. More importantly, the Panthers lost. Did I mention that Jake Delhomme looks like Lloyd Christmas?
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-7): Ouch.
27. Houston Texans (3-8): David Carr passed for 321 yards, but the Texans managed just 25 yards on the ground and punter Chad Stanley showed the ball handling skills of Charles Stanley. You know, Charles Stanley. The evangelist? He’s the guy who looks like Orville Redenbacher but has a voice that would make Shadoe Stevens weep in shame? Ugh. You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Alright, let me try to rework this. David Carr passed for 321 yards, but the Texans managed just 25 yards on the ground and punter Chad Stanley looked more like Chad Lowe, as he appeared to be estranged from his snapper. Better? Maybe you oughtta put down the US Weekly and get you some churchin’.
28. Cleveland Browns (3-8): The 2006 Cleveland Browns are pleased to present the Word of the Day: somniferous. Somniferous [som-nif-er-uh s] (adj): bringing or inducing sleep, as drugs or influences. E.g., I find the style of football played by the 2006 Cleveland Browns to be somniferous.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-8): B-Gradkow threw for a paltry 120 yards and Carnell “Pontiac†Williams rushed for 78 more as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers fell to 3-8 following a Thanksgiving Day loss to, oh who the hell cares?
30. Oakland Raiders (2-9): Aaron Brooks returned to lead a rejuvenated Oakland Raiders offense to a stunning near upset over the San Diego Chargers. Oakland actually led this game after three quarters and ultimately lost by only seven points, representing one of their most impressive defeats of the 2006 season. “I think this team is really starting to come into its own and learn how to lose consistently and respectfully,†a boastful Art Shell may not have said after the game.
31. Arizona Cardinals (2-9): One week after their triumphant Toilet Bowl XLI victory over the Lions, the Arizona Cardinals got back to basics in losing 31-26 to the Vikings. The game featured a breakout performance from Edgerrin James who rushed for 15 yards on just four carries. This represented a significant improvement over the 3.06 yards per carry average he brought into the game.
32. Detroit Lions (2-9): Are fans allowed to bring mustachioed effigies into Ford Field?
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