"And I'm so sick of Mercury that I would love to strap him on a jet and send him flying to the planet of his namesake."
Just plain awesome! How long did the kid sit up in his bed with his little Superman night light dreaming up that tiny piece of brilliance? The more I read that line the more I'm confused -- no, make that angry -- as to why The Times (New York or London, either one) hasn't already kidnapped this chap and forced him to write for them and knife point. For the sake of the world, son, please break out of those chains that small, semi-incoherent student rag bounds you in and spread your gift!
I mean, how can you continue to hide such insight as: "The 1972 Dolphins would get destroyed by at least half of the 41 other Super Bowl champions." (Ya think?)
Lets leave aside the fact that shear physics alone most probably mean the '72 fins would get killed by the '07 Dolphins, much less 20.5 former SB champions, the beauty of how you phrased it was still worth the read. One teeny weeny critique, though Bry: It's 42 SB champions, not 41. But awww shucks, OS is renowned for its journalism courses, not math right?
And how about this literary gem: "As for Mercury Morris, words haven't been invented to describe the pure disdain I have for you and the rest of your ancient, diaper-wearing team." Well, inventing new structures of grammar hasn't deterred you Bryan, so why stop at words? Don't be shy. Go all the way, son. Be a pioneer! I only lament you couldn't provide more anecdotes on the trials and tribulations of modern day geriatric care, considering you are only two years removed from wearing diapers yourself, and, me thinks, your experience would have added a welcomed personal touch to your dazzling brand of journalism.
Don't be afraid to take the next step with your craft Bryan. Hop on that plane with Mercuri. Let destiny fly you to -- as you so elegantly phrased it, his "namesake planet" -- and put on display the fruits of higher education in Ohio for whatever other kind of life lies in the universe. After all, your words are deserving of an audience beyond us mortals.
One last thing. Undefeated is undefeated you whiny little B-I-A-T-C-H!!!! Nice hair.